Colbert: Foreign Countries ‘Just Need a Membership to Mar-a-Lago’ to Steal Our Nation’s Secrets

COLBERT: “By law, the Chinese government could compel any Chinese company, like ByteDance, to hand over all the data they gather on us. So last April, Congress passed a law, and Joe Biden signed it, demanding that ByteDance sell its stake in TikTok or the platform would be banned in the United States. It had broad bipartisan support in Congress, passing 79-18 in the Senate. But senators may not understand the ramifications of banning this technology, because they are so old that they use their phones as phones.
(Laughter)
ByteDance did not play ball, so TikTok is scheduled to be shut down by January 19th, just six days from now. That’s right. The clock is running down for TikTok. If only there was some sort of sound effect that would capture that idea... The thing is, if TikTok is banned, it will have a huge impact on our economy. A lot of people make their living on the platform. According to TikTok, in 2023, their app drove $14.7 billion in small business owners revenue and contributed $24.2 billion to the country’s GDP. Which isn’t surprising, creators love TikTok because the algorithm finds the right audience no matter what subject people are into. You can talk about literature on #BookTok, share your moves on #DanceTok, see cute puppies on #PetTok, exchange recipes on #CookTok. And of course, if you are a chicken that wants to speak to other chickens, in your native language, that can be found on #BokBokBKokTok. TikTok creators —
(Laughter and Applause)
Sure. Why not. We’ve peaked. We’ve peaked as an organization. TikTok creators are TikTok’d off, like this woman.”

[Clip starts]
UNKNOWN FEMALE: “There are a lot of good, honest, hardworking people that depend on the money they make from TikTok to survive from day-to-day. (...) I’m just an old woman from east Texas, but I’ve got sense enough to know, if a foreign country wants to steal our secrets, they don’t need a social media app to do it.”
[Clip ends]

COLBERT: “That’s right, foreign countries don’t need a social media app to steal our nation’s secrets. They just need a membership to Mar-a-Lago.”