Chris Rock’s SNL Monologue: Trump Survived an Assassination Attempt, Won the Presidency ... ‘It Could Happen to a Nicer Guy’

ANNOUNCER: “Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock.”
♩ ♪ ♫ ♬
(Cheering and Applause)
ROCK: “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes! Welcome to ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is the 50th anniversary of ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Been around for 50 years. I want to congratulate Lorne Michaels on 25 great years of ‘Saturday Night Live.’ There’s a lot going on in the news. My God, it’s so crazy out there. It’s so hard just getting in the building tonight. So much security. My God. My God, I had to walk by a bunch of baby oil-sniffing dogs. It was insane. Everybody’s worried. Everybody’s worried. I mean, we got Luigi. We got Luigi, you know, and that’s good. I really feel sorry for the for the family. I mean, everybody’s fixated on how good-looking this guy looks. If he looked like Jonah Hill, no one would care. They’d have already given him the chair already. He’d be dead, okay? But he actually killed a man. A man! A man with a family. A man with kids, man. I mean, I have condolences, I have real condolences for, you know, the health care CEO. I mean, this is a real person, you know? But you also got to go, you know, sometimes drug dealers get shot.
(Laughter and Applause)
All right? I mean, you’ve seen ‘The Wire,’ right? It’s been a bad year for my people, the blacks. It’s been — it’s not been a good year. Kamala and Diddy and Jake Paul beating Mike Tyson. What the hell? Who is this Jake Paul? He’s a 27-year-old punching a 60-year-old man in the face. Is this what the white man has reduced himself to? Stop it! Well, who’s he going to fight next, Morgan Freeman? I hate Jake Paul. I got — I got a landlord hate for him. I hate him. I hate him like cocaine hates monogamy. The big thing, big thing — Trump, man. Trump. Trump, man, Trump had a good year, man. Trump survived an assassination attempt. Survived an assassination attempt, won — won the presidency again by winning the popular vote, was just named TIME man of the year. You know, it could happen to a nicer guy.
(Laughter)
You know? A lot of people are scared. It’s like, ‘Oh, my God, he’s going to be so undignified.’ And when I say a lot of people, I’m talking about the nine New Yorkers that didn’t vote for him, okay? No, no, no, no. People are like, ‘He’s going to be so undignified. It’s the presidency of the United States.’ Dude, it’s the United States presidency. It’s not, you know — come on! We’ve had some presidents in the United States. Come on, man. This is not the most dignified job in the world. You know, we’ve had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves, okay?
(Laughter)
Okay. And I’m just talking about Bill Clinton.
(Laughter)
I mean, you know what country we live in. You know the history of this country. You know — you know how many rapists are in my wallet right now?
(Laughter)
Trying a cup of coffee in America costs seven rapists!
(Laughter)
And Trump’s going to get it down to three. That’s right, man. It’s crazy. Menendez Brothers getting out of jail. Menendez Brothers. Yeah. Getting out of jail, just in time to get deported.
(Laughter)
Trump is going to deport their ass. You murdering Mexicans! Trump is not playing, man. That’s right. This time is totally different. He’s working with the number one African-American in the world, the richest African-American in the world, Elon Musk.
(Laughter)
That’s right. He is African-American. Elon got more kids than the Cleveland Browns.
(Laughter)
That’s right. Nobody knows how to get rid of people like a South African.
(Audience reacts)
Oh, he’s serious. Trump is not playing! He got Elon. They’re going to put him in a rocket ship and call it SpaceMex.
(Laughter)
Oh, yeah. J. Lo is going to marry Ben again just so she can stay in the country.
(Laughter)
I know she’s not Mexican. But Trump don’t know that.
(Laughter)
It’s just a big ol’ Latin stew. Trying to keep immigrants out. My God. You know, a lot less immigrants would come into America if you stopped paying them $700 million to play baseball.
(Laughter)
That’s right. Steve Cohen bought one Dominican for $700 million. Used to be able to get a whole bushel for that much.
(Laughter)
I said ‘bushel!’ In the big story this week — that’s right, man — Joe Biden pardoned his son, Hunter Biden. I gotta hand it to Joe, man. You know, he don’t move as fast as he used to. He don’t talk as fast as he used to, you know. But that middle finger still works, boy!
(Laughter and Applause)
That’s right, man. And people are complaining, got the nerve to complain. Like, only an animal would not pardon their son. oh my God! Imagine going home to your wife if you didn’t pardon your son. Every parent in the world would pardon their son... except the parents of the Menendez Brothers.
(Laughter)
Hey, we got a great show for you tonight. Gracie Abrams is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back.”