unraveling the father gap

the idea that dad’s role is resource accumulation rewarded with couch rest, characterised by a beer in one hand, remote in the other, and a football match capturing the remainder of his day’s attention - is one of the most corruptive myths employed to excuse under-serving roles and responsibility - and it’s barely more than two generations old.

Born in slapstick comedy and effectively utilised as the relative supporter of women’s empowerment, dad seen in the flintstones (based on the honeymooners), and then the simpsons and then family guy (as popular examples) - is a regressive longing for maternal care even in excess of his children's needs.

it is not the only version of dad, Mike Brady (Brady Bunch) and Jay Pritchett (Modern Family) were successful businessman who saw it their responsibility to transfer that skillset to the home environment and their families raising of life’s questions.

But the bumbling dad stereotype persists.

Dad’s non-negotiable role has at its root has barely changed and even seen in monkeys today. Scientists have no idea how he knows who they are, but even in multi-mate groups a father will spend more time with his children, he defends them from group bullying, and his presence is correlated with both physical maturity and the quality of food resources children access.

Today that is seen as the verbal negotiation of our ‘social price’ instead of alpha status.

Today that is seen as educational and professional support (scaffolding h/t Anna Machin) instead of hunting.

It’s not surprising in that light that a fathers presence in helping a child with their school work has a correlation with their performance and well-being - but not the mother.

It’s not surprising in that light that a fathers absence tends to lead to sons that don't speak up, and daughters that lose romantic relationship competence.

all of this has been shown to be rescued when exposed to strong role models (biologically related or not).

there is a minimum viable care a child, an adolescent and even an adult requires. we can’t grow pot plants in the cupboard under the stairs, we can’t grow humans ‘alone on an island.’

to your healing 💙,

Jas