Triumph Visits Trump’s MSG Rally: ‘My Dream Is to Drown in Them Liberal Tears’

CHIENG: “Hey, welcome back to ‘The Daily Show.’ Everyone is talking about Trump’s rally at Madison Square Garden, but what did the people who actually went there think? To find out, we sent over our special correspondent, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.”

[Clip starts]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “We are here outside Madison square garden witnessing a caravan of migrants invading Manhattan. I didn’t think it was possible to have more white people here than a Rangers game. The last time Donald Trump had this many New Yorkers in the palm of his hand, he was doing it to impress Jeffrey Epstein.”

UNKNOWN MALE: “Trump rally to the right.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “To the right, folks! Come on! Okay. Whoops. Sorry. Wait, wait. Stand right here. Okay, you are good, you are good. Okay.”

(People chanting ‘USA!)
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Look at you. My goodness. Look at this getup. Holy crap. I almost wore that, you know? Thankfully, my meds kicked in. (Laughs) Because it’s absurd!”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Where are you two from?”
UNKNOWN FEMALE: “Annapolis, Maryland.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Oh, out-of-towners. So tell me, since you arrived in New York City, how many times have you been murdered?”
(Laughter)

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “So you are a big Trump fan?”
UNKNOWN FEMALE 2: “Yes.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “I tell you what, at least Trump is the legitimate nominee. Kamala, you know, it was like a coup, right? They handed her the nomination.”
UNKNOWN FEMALE 2: “You are right.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “But she still has to get past Trump, which for a woman is very hard to do without pepper spray.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Everyone outside is like, oh, it’s a Nazi rally, right?”
UNKNOWN MALE 2: “That is true.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “This is nothing like a Nazi rally. This Nazis were in shape, first of all. They took care of themselves, unlike this guy over here, right? Seriously, when I look at you, makes me think the groceries aren’t expensive enough.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “I kid. I kid. It’s not a Nazi rally. I hate when people use that term, when they call Trump a Nazi. He is the candidate preferred by Nazis.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “The Democrats are running on abortion a lot, right? That is a big issue in this election. What would you say to people worried about losing that right? Aside from, what is it like to have sex?”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Foreigners are destroying American jobs.”
UNKNOWN MALE 2: “That is true.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Did you know that just one Illegal immigrant caused 6,000 people to lose their jobs at Twitter? This guy, Elon something.”
UNKNOWN MALE 2: “That is a good point.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “What is the biggest seller today?”
UNKNOWN MALE 3: “Right here. This one, this one, and all the hats.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “You know what, though, I’ve got some merch.”
UNKNOWN MALE 3: “What you got?”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “If he loses, ‘The election was stolen’ What if he wins, you say? Look. ‘The election was not stolen.’ Okay, how about this one? To commemorate the Trump rally at Madison Square Garden, ‘I am with 20,000 stupids.’ Arrows all around. I think it’s going to be a big seller.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Guys, we’ve got to fix you up with some merch. I am selling merch, you know. Especially you here. Here’s what I got for you.”
UNKNOWN MALE 4: “I appreciate that, man.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Trump condoms. There you go. Here’s what they look like. You know, they have more value if you keep them in the wrapper. Which I’m sure you will not have any problem doing. And here, you can also have this. These are the Arnold Palmer-sized.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Do you know RFK Jr.?”
UNKNOWN MALE 5: “Yeah, RFK.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “If you like RFK Jr., raise your hand as far as the polio will allow.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “RFK is a real hero, isn’t he?”
UNKNOWN FEMALE 2: “Yes, he’s a hero.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Because being a hero is all about sacrifice. And that man has sacrificed every principle he ever had to endorse Donald Trump. Between him and me, that is two of us who have had their balls cut off.”

UNKNOWN MALE 6: “How much better is Kamala? Donald Trump doesn’t need notes.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Donald Trump does not need notes to stand and wander around the stage while ‘Ave Maria’ plays six times. You are absolutely right.”
UNKNOWN MALE 6: “You can’t put a soundtrack of laughter under this.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Oh, I don’t need one. Listen to those people. Let me hear it, ‘Daily Show!’
(Cheering and Applause)
Trust me, the liberals are going nuts.”

(Crowd chanting ‘USA! USA!’)
UNKNOWN MALE 7: “[bleep] Joe Biden!”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “I gotta say, it’s a nice crowd, but a lot of angry white guys here. Gotta admit. What do you think is less likely, that Haitians are eating cats or that any of the guys here have ever eaten [bleep]?”
(Laughter)

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Why do you think Trump — “
UNKNOWN MALE 8: “Put this guy in the bathroom!”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “You get the punch line, then sh*t on me! Okay, these people are out of their minds. I’m going to have to change into something that would command more respect around here.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Okay, let’s do this! How’s everybody doing, huh? Trump, Trump, Trump! Here we go! Look at my old friend! We both took a poop on Nancy Pelosi’s desk, right?”
UNKNOWN MALE 9: “I don’t know about that.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “‘I don’t remember.’ Come on! What a dump we took in there.”

UNKNOWN MALE 10: “We are storming the Capitol!”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “I want to storm a schnauzer’s vagina! Who is with me?”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “Folks, we are on the verge of something very special. Can you feel it? You know, the other side, they will talk about record-low unemployment, record-high stock market, infrastructure, blah, blah, blah. But this election is more than about issues that ‘affect us.’ This election is personal. Am I right?”
AUDIENCE: “Yeah!”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “It is about sticking it to those elitist liberals!”
AUDIENCE: “Yeah!”
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: “But you know what, on November 5th, those elitists, they are going to be the ones crying, and we are going to be the ones drinking ...liberal tears! Liberal tears!
♪ Liberal tears ♪
Everybody!
♪ Liberal tears ♪
♪ I love them salty ♪
♪ Liberal tears ♪
♪ I won’t have Medicare in two years ♪
♪ But at least I’ll know that there’s liberal tears ♪
♪ Liberal tears ♪
♪ Liberal tears ♪
♪ L-I-B-E-R-U-L, liberal tears ♪
♪ We are all throwing mud and the oceans are flooding ♪
♪ And just as a bonus ♪
♪ Five billionaires own us ♪
♪ My candidate’s lying ♪
♪ The planet is dying ♪
♪ But liberals are crying ♪
♪ So I said ♪
♪ Three cheers ♪
♪ Hip, hip, hooray ♪
♪ ‘Cause my dream ♪
♪ Is to drown ♪
♪ In them ♪
♪ Liberal tears ♪
♪ Oh, yes! Liberal tears! ♪ “
[Clip ends]