Poem : Stained Soulmates (Inspired by “Save Him” by Justin Nozuka)

2 : 20 PM
August 2nd, 2024
Home
Springfield, MA

*This poem took a week to write. I had to step away from it several times to resettle.*

Title : Stained Soulmates
(Inspired by “Save Him” by Justin Nozuka)

Present Day : Springfield, MA

“Your dog is so calm.”

He states.

“He doesn’t even bark.”

I responded.

He tells me he’s
An avid fan of pitbulls
And offers a few thousand
To purchase him …

He tells me how
He would raise him …

— As a weapon.

He would keep him outdoors
And tie a cement block
Around his shoulders
And place his bowl at a distance …
That way, my dog would need to struggle
Before he can be fed …

“What if he starves?”

I ask him …

— I’ll revisit this topic —

Flashback to Berlin, Germany :

“I really want to see you mad.
I want to get a rise out of you.”

She tells me.

I get up and leave silently.

She wants to relive her traumas …

She wants to “test my masculinity”
Cross my boundaries
And see how I’d be when I’m angry …
Tempt me to become my toxic past
The one capable of gaslighting
— An expert at manipulating —
Able to withdraw for days
Withhold love and be passive aggressive …

And toxic love was
My strongest addiction
After spending most of my life
Seeing mostly broken women …

So, it would be so easy to hurt her feelings
And make it better because I’m
“So good at fixing things”
And “solving problems”
And “saving people” …

At times I would be the
Cause of chaos to
Provide myself with a purpose …

Starving for love
I was truly hurting …

And I understand it’s not her fault
She believes what I once believed
That love is meant to be hard
Where partners are projects
That are meant to be fixed

-- And not appreciated …

The pull towards a toxic love
Is as strong as any drug
Where one becomes an addict …

“After this hit,
It will get better …”

That’s what I believed
When I smoked weed …

And that’s what I once heard from her
After the fists from her drunk lover …

I pierce through
Her blackened eyes
And I see all the parts
That yearn to be nurtured …

And how “loving” hurt can feel
Because at least
They’re paying attention …

Trauma love can be
So intoxicating …

And when we’re starving
Or parched we’ll take any part
Of the scraps our partner offers
Sip the poison added in our water …

I’ve been both the
Emotionally distant
And manipulative lover
Also the one who willingly drank
The poison of another …

I write this without judgment …

Present Day :

We sit outside of Whole Foods
And discuss the abuse
That seemed so normal
When we were growing up …

Without an ounce
Of survivor’s guilt
We tell our tales …

“I remember my mother
Told me to grab the gun
As he was choking her sister …
She told him that if she were to fall
A shot would let off
And he would fall as well …”

We talked about our hells …

“I remember him picking
Up a chair and threatening him …
Chair held high, he placed my sibling’s life
In my hands …

‘SHOULD I KILL HIM!
SHOULD I KILL HIM!’

He screamed …

I froze …

Not sure if he would really kill him …

It would have been the second death I’d witnessed
Before hitting my teenage years …

Frozen …

I think that’s why I never question
When women freeze while being molested …
Life’s woes can feel
Heavy on one’s shoulders
And we feel paralyzed in addressing it …”

And the stories continued
Of knives pulled
— But never punches —
— As those are delivered with full force —
Of the cops who arrive
And witnessing the woman
Standing away from the light
Not just to hide her wounds
But symbolically showing
That she feels ashamed and guilty
For what she is going through …

Violence and abused seemed normal
We discussed casting bets
Of how long it would take for the
Toxic couple to get back together
And how long until their next fight …
Violence was so normal that even
As the screaming and beatings occurred
We could sleep peacefully
Through the night …

We became all too familiar
With the symptoms of abuse …
The hidden wounds
That showed underneath
That scarves and sweaters
Worn on summer days …
The stained teeth
From smoking continuously …
Drinking obsessively …
Weight gain to obesity …
And the sunken shoulders
Of one who no longer views
The world optimistically …
Self-deprecation, pessimism
Fear, doubt, and emotional distance …
Intimacy feels like poison
When every time you’ve gotten close
You ended up broken …

And though we completely understand …

We decided on a different path.

Had to unlearn how
Conflict can be resolved …

We crafted a different plan …

Flashback : Braunschweig, Germany

One evening …

We’re sitting at the kitchen table
And my mentors have a disagreement
My body automatically stiffens
My fists clench
And I numb my emotions
As I know what is coming …

But …

He gets up from his chair
And pours a glass of water
For him and his partner …
They take deep breaths
And calmly restart the conversation …

They spent hours seeing the topic
From every perspective …

The next morning
They continued
Over coffee and tea …

Epiphany …

When I returned to Berlin
Whenever I felt angry and
My roommate and I had a disagreement
I would pour a glass of water
And we would spend hours
Talking through it …

That experience in Braunschweig
Changed my entire perspective
As I had believed healthy relationships
Only exist on television …

Present Day : Springfield, MA

“Your dog is so calm.”

She tells me …

---

After taking him
Under my wing

I placed him on the
Same routine
That brought my healing …

My students often made fun of me
As before 10:00 PM
I am often fast asleep …

-- The days where I
Stumbled home drunk from a party
At 7:00 AM with the sun slowly rising --

Those days are far behind me …

These days, I rise before five
And my dog meditates besides me
I avoid the news
— Watch what I consume —
Not just physically
But emotionally and spiritually …

My dog and I walk
For at least an hour daily
To settle emotionally
And appreciate the beauty
Which God has crafted so meticulously …

The best of planners …

I’ve finally reached
That space of equanimity
Which was the source
Of my yearning …

And caused me to hurt so many
When I was blinded
By my own toxicity …

---

“Your dog is so calm.”

She tells me …

“I just wanted him
To be different.”

I responded.

---

I wanted him to be fulfilled
— Not starving for love and attention —
I wanted him to feel secure
To take healthy risks
And confidently approach others
While having the wise discretion
Of trusting his spirit
Not drinking another’s poison …

---

“I just wanted him
To be different.”

I responded.

“What do you mean?”
She asks me.

“Not like me.”

I tell her before we leave …

-- K.S. Fort

The book, "#UnshackledExpectations : Ramadan", will be released on August 24th, 2024.

Below, you can download the preview for free on Google Drive :

https://drive.google.com/drive/u/0/folders/1ZFyJMWr_nRKm4aKd11VAk_46882H9o-L