SymposiumBerlin

2 : 20 PM August 2nd, 2024 Home Springfield, MA *This poem took a week to write. I had to step away from it several times to resettle.* Title : Stained Soulmates (Inspired by “Save Him” by Justin Nozuka) Present Day : Springfield, MA “Your dog is so calm.” He states. “He doesn’t even bark.” I responded. He tells me he’s An avid fan of pitbulls And offers a few thousand To purchase him … He tells me how He would raise him … — As a weapon. He would keep him outdoors And tie a cement block Around his shoulders And place his bowl at a distance … That way, my dog would need to struggle Before he can be fed … “What if he starves?” I ask him … — I’ll revisit this topic — Flashback to Berlin, Germany : “I really want to see you mad. I want to get a rise out of you.” She tells me. I get up and leave silently. She wants to relive her traumas … She wants to “test my masculinity” Cross my boundaries And see how I’d be when I’m angry … Tempt me to become my toxic past The one capable of gaslighting — An expert at manipulating — Able to withdraw for days Withhold love and be passive aggressive … And toxic love was My strongest addiction After spending most of my life Seeing mostly broken women … So, it would be so easy to hurt her feelings And make it better because I’m “So good at fixing things” And “solving problems” And “saving people” … At times I would be the Cause of chaos to Provide myself with a purpose … Starving for love I was truly hurting … And I understand it’s not her fault She believes what I once believed That love is meant to be hard Where partners are projects That are meant to be fixed -- And not appreciated … The pull towards a toxic love Is as strong as any drug Where one becomes an addict … “After this hit, It will get better …” That’s what I believed When I smoked weed … And that’s what I once heard from her After the fists from her drunk lover … I pierce through Her blackened eyes And I see all the parts That yearn to be nurtured … And how “loving” hurt can feel Because at least They’re paying attention … Trauma love can be So intoxicating … And when we’re starving Or parched we’ll take any part Of the scraps our partner offers Sip the poison added in our water … I’ve been both the Emotionally distant And manipulative lover Also the one who willingly drank The poison of another … I write this without judgment … Present Day : We sit outside of Whole Foods And discuss the abuse That seemed so normal When we were growing up … Without an ounce Of survivor’s guilt We tell our tales … “I remember my mother Told me to grab the gun As he was choking her sister … She told him that if she were to fall A shot would let off And he would fall as well …” We talked about our hells … “I remember him picking Up a chair and threatening him … Chair held high, he placed my sibling’s life In my hands … ‘SHOULD I KILL HIM! SHOULD I KILL HIM!’ He screamed … I froze … Not sure if he would really kill him … It would have been the second death I’d witnessed Before hitting my teenage years … Frozen … I think that’s why I never question When women freeze while being molested … Life’s woes can feel Heavy on one’s shoulders And we feel paralyzed in addressing it …” And the stories continued Of knives pulled — But never punches — — As those are delivered with full force — Of the cops who arrive And witnessing the woman Standing away from the light Not just to hide her wounds But symbolically showing That she feels ashamed and guilty For what she is going through … Violence and abused seemed normal We discussed casting bets Of how long it would take for the Toxic couple to get back together And how long until their next fight … Violence was so normal that even As the screaming and beatings occurred We could sleep peacefully Through the night … We became all too familiar With the symptoms of abuse … The hidden wounds That showed underneath That scarves and sweaters Worn on summer days … The stained teeth From smoking continuously … Drinking obsessively … Weight gain to obesity … And the sunken shoulders Of one who no longer views The world optimistically … Self-deprecation, pessimism Fear, doubt, and emotional distance … Intimacy feels like poison When every time you’ve gotten close You ended up broken … And though we completely understand … We decided on a different path. Had to unlearn how Conflict can be resolved … We crafted a different plan … Flashback : Braunschweig, Germany One evening … We’re sitting at the kitchen table And my mentors have a disagreement My body automatically stiffens My fists clench And I numb my emotions As I know what is coming … But … He gets up from his chair And pours a glass of water For him and his partner … They take deep breaths And calmly restart the conversation … They spent hours seeing the topic From every perspective … The next morning They continued Over coffee and tea … Epiphany … When I returned to Berlin Whenever I felt angry and My roommate and I had a disagreement I would pour a glass of water And we would spend hours Talking through it … That experience in Braunschweig Changed my entire perspective As I had believed healthy relationships Only exist on television … Present Day : Springfield, MA “Your dog is so calm.” She tells me … --- After taking him Under my wing I placed him on the Same routine That brought my healing … My students often made fun of me As before 10:00 PM I am often fast asleep … -- The days where I Stumbled home drunk from a party At 7:00 AM with the sun slowly rising -- Those days are far behind me … These days, I rise before five And my dog meditates besides me I avoid the news — Watch what I consume — Not just physically But emotionally and spiritually … My dog and I walk For at least an hour daily To settle emotionally And appreciate the beauty Which God has crafted so meticulously … The best of planners … I’ve finally reached That space of equanimity Which was the source Of my yearning … And caused me to hurt so many When I was blinded By my own toxicity … --- “Your dog is so calm.” She tells me … “I just wanted him To be different.” I responded. --- I wanted him to be fulfilled — Not starving for love and attention — I wanted him to feel secure To take healthy risks And confidently approach others While having the wise discretion Of trusting his spirit Not drinking another’s poison … --- “I just wanted him To be different.” I responded. “What do you mean?” She asks me. “Not like me.” I tell her before we leave … -- K.S. Fort The book, "#UnshackledExpectations : Ramadan", will be released on August 24th, 2024. Below, you can download the preview for free on Google Drive : https://drive.google.com/drive/u/0/folders/1ZFyJMWr_nRKm4aKd11VAk_46882H9o-L

Link : www.Bookeo.com/TalkOut

Link : www.Bookeo.com/TalkOut

12:49 AM July 16th, 2024 Home Springfield 7. #LastWord : God Let me first begin by saying This is a story of my journey to sobriety I have no intention of preaching … It’s Friday, June 30th, 2023 I stumble into the mosque … It’s late in the evening And I’m quite past tipsy … The mask that I’ve been wearing Has begin slipping And the person who I’d envisioned Has started disappearing … What’s the difference Between a miracle and a coincidence … I’d argue it hangs on perspective … Was it simply a coincidence That my Saudi Arabian student Convinced me to bring Him to this mosque Where they embraced me so warmly … Or is it that my steps Are divinely orchestrated And life settled as it was meant to be … God guides me … “I needed a pray to rid me of This ache that haunts me And keeps on haunting …” My hands wrapped around A wine glass Allowed me to escape From the past … Run anxiously into the future … And as the tears flowed on the fourth I knew I could no longer go forth And keep escaping Through these substances … So, June 30th was my final drink And July 4th my resurrection … — K.S. Fort

12: 49 AM July 14, 2024 Springfield, MA Home 5. #LastWord : Drowning When I have my twin daughters I’m going to teach them How to tread water … I flashback to who I used to be Opened bottles in the evening Staring at the empty fish tank And thinking how it almost matches me And how these substances Will distract from that reality … We choose to drown this evening Succumb to our insecurities And dive into one another’s Arms to escape — Even if it’s only temporarily — Please love me … “She told me she missed me, And I always wanted to be worth missing …” Isn’t it funny, How in the evening We can cling so desperately And in the morning Let go so carelessly … Did you ever really Care for me? That’s why it’s so important To learn to tread water To know that you can support yourself You’ve built the confidence Through your difficulties And have a trusted Circle that will help … When you’re starving You’ll not only eat anything … You’ll drink excessively To numb the pain Drown your sorrows Slumber into the morrow … It seems to always pour When it rains … So, I’ll teach them How to tread water … Will I be the perfect father? Of that, I’m not quite sure … But the love I’ll offer My twin daughters Will be one that is secure … — K.S. Fort #lastword #poetry #poem #poet #drowning #swimming #meditate #therapy #parenting

10:55 PM July 11, 2024 Home Springfield, MA 3. #LastWord : Always “Do you love me?” “Always.” She responded Without hesitation. Looking back, I wish she had Thought a bit And responded, “In all ways.” As in even on my bad days When I’m withdrawn And have very little to say … When my anxiety has reached An unspeakable level And I’m weighing thoughts given By God and the devil … Always … No … In all ways. This evening, I had dinner With my sister and my cousin And I explained the difference Between a mermaid and a siren … Sirens sing on rocks And you’ll find yourself Quickly drowning Once you’re successfully Drawn in … Mermaids are usually non-threatening And may save you Once you’re in the ocean depths But you wouldn’t feel A siren’s knife sinking in your back Until it has reached its depth … Hold your breath … I’ll bring you deeper. “Dearest, I prayed this would last forever This happy and interesting life …” She whispers melodically As she swiftly sharpens her knife … So, when you ask me When I wish to be married I’ll hand the ring To one who loves me In all ways And doesn’t just tempt me When she sings … — K.S. Fort #lastword #poetry #poem #inspire #motivate #love #compassion #empathy #betrayal #poet

#LastWord : Virtual Poetry Slam with @alli.maj Rules are provided in the video. Let the games begin … July 10, 2024 7 : 57 PM Mt. Tom Holyoke, Massachusetts 1. #LastWord : Morning A serene stroll on Mt. Tom Settles our souls And brings us to calm … From the morning … Wake at 4:30 AM And write what comes to me In the afternoon We plan tomorrow’s Meeting over Zoom Regarding an event for families … And I observe How the day transitions … And as the sun settles The uncertainty of my future No longer causes fright … Allowing the morning To slowly turn into night … — K.S. Fort #poem #poetry #poet #inspire #motivate #drake #kendrick

July 10, 2024 4 : 55 AM Home Springfield, Massachusetts Stop For What’s Beautiful The day after bungee jumping Sophie and I hike the Luskville Falls Trail … At the top of the Small mountain It begins to rain And we find ourselves Running to head to The car again To avoid the lightning That would definitely Cause us pain … We’re hit with a few drops Before the doors close … But here’s what’s beautiful … As we’re driving We witness a double rainbow … So, I pull over And we stop to take pictures … Just as I had to wake And write this poem … We must stop for what is beautiful. — K.S. Fort From the book, “#UnshackledExpectations : Ramadan”. Will be released before the end of July. #poem #poetry #inspire #rainbow #friendship #hiking