Colbert Hushes Audience Reacting to Trump Going to Criminal Trial: ‘We Need You to Get Picked for Jury Duty’

COLBERT: “Let’s see. What else is — have you guys been watching the news? What else is happening today? Oh, here’s a fun little story from the smile file. Donald Trump became the first former president to go on criminal trial.
(Cheering and Applause)
Is that what you’re looking for? On the nose? There you go. We’ll get there. We’ve got an idea. The official name of the trial is ‘The People of the State of New York versus Donald Trump.’ The people of the state of New York? That’s us!
(Cheering and Applause)
Okay, hold on. Hold on. I know you’re excited, but don’t cheer too loud. We need you to get picked for jury duty! This morning, Donald Trump walked into the courthouse to face justice for his alleged illegal hush money payments to Stormy Daniels. This is an historic moment we will all tell our grandchildren about very carefully. ‘Well, uh, there was a president who met a special actress for, let’s say, grown-up movies at a celebrity golf event and invited her over for a playdate because his wife was too busy to play ’cause she had a new baby. The actress gave him a friendly pat on the bottom with a magazine about money with his photo on it, and then they shared a special, unprotected hug. Then he gave her a present so she wouldn’t tell anyone that his bathing suit area was shaped like toad from Mario Kart. Oh, oh, oh, what else? What else? What else? What else? Oh, and he was leading in the polls.’ Once the trial got underway, reporters noticed that Trump appeared to nod off a few times, his mouth going slack and his head drooping onto his chest. In fact, his lawyer passed him notes for several minutes before Trump appeared to jolt awake and notice them. ‘Whaaa! Oh, my god, I was having the most terrible dream that I had to read something. Oh, no! The dream was real! But if it’s real, then where’s the hamburger with boobs?’”