Journal Entry: "Do I Love?"

Journal Entry by Sister Therese
from October13, 2021

Hello, dear Heartdwellers. May you all be blessed.

This is a message that was given to me a while back before the message known as “Journal Entry: Love So Valued.”

While editing the series “Rescued”, which is The Great White Throne Judgment, it reminded me once again of the fearful Day of Judgment. So, whenever I see that scene of the Judgment Day, I fear it. I imagine myself in front of his throne and seeing all that I missed and having to hear His voice telling me I have made myself, an idol—loving myself more than him or my brothers and sisters. Now that would be terrifying to me.

I stood there in front of the computer screen, editing that series. And I stood there before his Eucharistic face and repented once again, lamenting my mess of self-love and all the “Selves”. My heart and soul were in a sad mode, so I had taken the chance to get some more Rhema’s, once again, from my box. Which said,

“Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safety, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. This is why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenge ahead of you. The issue is not your strength, but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.”

Then I began to speak with Jesus, saying,

I confess, You do tell me much, and guide me much, with Your word, but often I just don’t do it, in fear of failing and of ridicule. Even yesterday while we were praying in the laundry out loud sitting in those chairs, I felt tense as if people were eyeing us with odd eyes. Not only did I fear them, but I also judged them.

Lord, it feels hard to step out and just love people. Many of us just want to stay safe and out of view but I realize that is not right. That’s self. The obnoxious smell of self. After that I just drop in sadness for being unable to obey you as I should and love as you want me too.

I do try to fix my eyes on you and depend on you, but I feel I’m a hypocrite. I’m scared that at the end of my life I would find out how I did not love as I should; looking more at my misery that your Mercy and Love that mend and shape me. Lord, I’m actually afraid of disappointing You, you know. I do that all the time in my self-fretting. I then get angry with myself for being so weak.

I continue telling Him,

You have said through a Rhema to cast away angry thoughts and I would find out how you dwell in me really. But then I get Mother Mary. Blessed Mother gave me a reading and I felt a rejection over the reading. Which, once again, mentioned the lack of action in charity and love that I had to show after receiving Communion. That’s a deep scar and boo-boo for me, so when she brought it out, I felt instant reproach and rejection toward the reading. But…. one can’t really deny that it’s true. There are so many opportunities I pass by—I miss—or resist in disobedience and fear.

Lord, I do want to love and act as this heart dreams, but that’s killing me when I see it’s always the same thing over and over again.

I’m sorry…. I’m angry and bitter with myself and my weaknesses. Seems I don’t count that much on you as I thought. I’m just way too afraid of you and your judgmental hand.

Jesus then began

“You have a crooked view of Me, my darling. I’m not a severe judge who points all the time at the faults of my people. When I do so, it is for their good and discipline. But I don’t severely plight them with constant judgment. My nature is of mercy and love, kindness, and long-endurance with a Fatherly helping hand. I do know how frail human nature is and that is why I wish to do the doing through you.

“I’m not there to condemn, but to reveal, mend, break and shape anew — better than before.”

It’s frustrating, Lord….to be weak in love. I realize this is pride, wishing to be better than I am…. but really, it’s down casting to fail You over and over again and not bless those souls with a touch you wanted to give them. I do love myself more than you or them. That, in itself, is a bomb of irritation to me.

“I know. But you must cling to me and my hand all the time, my dear. I don’t blame you; I do know you and understand your frame. At times it is the hardness of heart that prevents an action of love. Other times it is desperate weakness in man that prevents love from being expressed.”

I feel bad that it’s always the same thing with me in this. I’m sorry that I keep going on with this despite you trying to encourage me,

Truth is, I don’t feel fit for this. [Laugh]

Jesus responds,

“And well, you are not, but I am here for you and with you all along to help.”

But the thing is, I think I don’t allow You as much reign as You deserve it, Lord. Hmm. I wonder why so hard it is to just…love, Lord.

Jesus replied,

“You must allow me to fill you with that Love. And after I do, to express it. No, it doesn’t have to be in big ways that will tell that you Love. Oftentimes, it is mostly and often expresses in little ways and means. You seem to aim high on the scale, and that is not bad at all, but you must look to me to accomplish that, in MY strength, not your own. You know by now there is little strength to your own substance but with Me, you can do it. All I want you to do it just trust Me, my child. Please. Trust me to the point of abandonment. All your misery, faults, cracks, tears, frustrations, all the anger—ALL of you. Trust yourself to me, when you feel so broken you cannot see well what I am doing in you and through you.”

[At that moment I felt like crying— both he and I feeling like we were going to tear up].

Jesus continued,

“I just love you much and enough to see you break. I don’t break just for the pleasure for ‘breaking’ and leaving you like that. I break, to reshape! That is what I am doing in you and for you. You just do trust in me whenever there is a lash on your back.

“I love you. I do know you want to love me and others more. I honor that, but I also see there is a lot of things that need bending also. I want you to be there but it’s a process. A process of a Mirror, a chisel and breaking, healing, and mending. Sometimes it is very painful, but it’s not hopeless, and never will it be. You just do trust in me when you cannot see and perceive Me.”

I’m sorry that I react in discontentment and sadness, Lord. Seems I do also allow the enemy to buffet and harass me with his lies and so forth.

Jesus said,

“You do. But I do see change— little steps to believing My Word and My truth over their lies and deceit. Steps to looking to My mercy and not so much unto our constant misery, as you say it.

“If you only knew how much you please me. You do! Don’t fear or doubt my word, I see what you cannot see. I am content with you even in your unpolished state, indeed. And I am working in you for the highest good.

“Don’t dig yourself into a deep grave whenever I show you your mistakes or faults. You know that is pride in itself. When you do see them, continue to try, and lift up your eyes to Me. I am your Lord, sufferer tighter with you, for you and with you. Your Lord and Savior forever and ever! I love you and you belong to ME. I take you as you are, and I shape you from that place onward. This IS a journey after all. And in a journey all things can happen and occur, both high and low, but the destination remains. I remain with you always so don’t give in to feelings of abandonment or rejection, for I never do abandon or reject you. Learn to hold Me as you are and attach yourself only to Me. Love those around you as you are enabled in the present day, the tomorrow-day is with Me.
“Trust my plan and way for you. Praise as you are enabled, love as you are strengthened, look to Me, and love yourself too. Don’t judge yourself too hard to the point of discontentment. Judging is for Me to do, dear child of Mine. You just love me and learn to love more each day as it is gifted you. If you fall, turn to me constantly. I am more patient than you think, and I am slow to get angry. See me in the light of who I am and live. Live, breathe, sing, smile, cling to me, dance with me, enjoy my presence, enjoy my gaze and smile unto you and those I love. Enjoy life amidst storms and trials, and always look to me to help you in everything and give you My strength. I gladly give it. I’m always with you. Trust in me.”

And that was the end of what Jesus said to me

At the moment He stopped speaking there was a song that began to sing on shuffle. It was “Shoulders” by King and Country, which really nailed the topic and confirmed all that he said.

While we were speaking, I felt Jesus being with legs bent, being near my right side, down to my level, as I sat on the chair. He was so understanding, as He counseled His distressed child.

SHOULDERS
by King and Country

When confusion's my companion
And despair holds me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near
When I'm caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I'll find my comfort here
Cause I know that You are near
My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
You mend what once was shattered
And You turn my tears to laughter
Your forgiveness is my fortress
Oh Your mercy is relentless
My help is from You
Don't have to see it to believe it
My help is from you
Don't have to see it, cause I know, 'cause I know it's true
My help is from You
Don't have to see it to believe it
My help is from you
Don't have to see it, cause I know, cause I know it's true
Source: Musixmatch

Peace:
Luke 7: 50
Psalm 85: 8

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