A Failed Test In Heroic Humility

MESSAGE TRANSCRIPT

Hey Brothers and sisters YouTube family
The past couple of days have been some rough waters let’s just say a storm. The Lord allowed me to encounter a trial up there that was like a sucker punch. I was doing perfectly okay then wham…just completely broken and in pieces. I felt I was drowning and couldn’t find the Lords hands anywhere until this morning when he pulled me up over and out of the water. Wheew Thank you Lord

I want to share my experience in hopes that it encourages someone else and gives hope to those who have fallen and your feeling terrible there is always hope.

So it began three days ago when I was pulled aside an accused of something that this person felt was from the Lord. I was a bit confused because the delivery was painful but not only that that accusation that was stated. So of course I told myself don’t get worked up go to the Lord and see what he has to say. This is a season of lent so I was open to examine my own heart to see if indeed these things that were said were true and I was just being sensitive about it. However when I went to the Lord…my readings seemed so confusing. They Lord wasn’t answering what I came to him for….and this is where I got compulsive. So I picked up every holy book I could think of 6 to be exact to get some direction and nothing. The words spoken to me cut even deeper as the demons just used this to pounce on me condemnation, rejection, feeling judged and misunderstood. Not only that but the enemy dredged so many things from the past and situations that were similar to this replaying them over and over again.
When I came to this community I didn’t expect the same flaming arrows to hit me here that I got hit with in the world eeee…was I wrong. Guys I was down like roadkill…I just cried and cried in frustration, in pain and such discouragement. Looking for the Lord in all of this because he has been my only recourse but he seemed far off rom what I was feeling. It just felt like desolation. Even the songs in worship seemed so dry usually when I go through something like this and I know it’s a suffering or some injustice the Lord plays the most beautiful songs with lyrics that speak exactly to my heart which comforts me greatly but all the songs were about his holiness, prodigals coming back home, drawing closer to him and many prescribing to “the shadow of death” psalm 23. That’s where I felt I was …the shadow of death. I also haven’t been feeling well physically I was just tired guys I had been through so much emotionally coming here and had been healed from so much but there was still this button of offense and arrow of rejection that still hasn’t healed yet. I felt so alone however I knew I needed to tell my confessor Mother Clare but it was about finding the right time and I was still wanting to hear from the Lord so I would know where I stood if I was in the wrong or if I was wrongfully accused but still nothing. In those 2 days went through bitterness, frustration and even resentment at God. I know I am a hot mess but finally the Lord broke through this morning and I would like to share with you what he said as I journaled

Where do I even began the past three days have been so rough Lord with pain in my body and pain in my heart. I found myself angry at you and resentful Lord because of what you allowed please forgive me Lord. I felt so alone and it seemed I just couldn’t find you no matter where I looked as you kept telling me to seek you yet couldn’t find you. That indeed is the greatest suffering Lord feeling desolate or forsaken by you. I know you are always there but to have that intimate union then be a in a storm and not able to find my barring’s in you is the worst Lord. Then you gave me repentance, which stung even more in my self-pity I wanted to hear something more comforting but I knew you were right Lord I turned into the Reconciliation of Penance in my Missal and when through different suggestion areas to examine your conscience to see where you have fallen short. As I wrote a page long list of areas I felt short during this trial Lord Oh Lord what will you do with me. The situation you allowed with Father I see now was a test in heroic humility and I failed…:/ but there is always hope right?

Lord is there anything on your heart or anything you want to add to these thoughts?

Jesus began,
“My beloved daughter I have been right here with you and I know how this has pained you so much but you were right to think it was a test beloved, a test of charity and humility. You have been bombarded with so many lies of condemnation, shame, hopelessness, discouragement and rejection because of this. The demons are opportunists and wait for any moment they can pounce on you to keep you down and cause you to stay down but, I gave you the readings in your Lords supper “my sheep hear my voice and follow me and none can be snatched from my hand”. So you are in the palm of my hand and that is where you will stay when the lies of the enemy assail you even in your wondering I hold you. The demons are furious that you continue to preserver and endure that is one of the greatest graces I have given you beloved and all my brides too preserver. To not give up for there is so much to come and so much ahead.”

Lord I noticed that day the trial began the door kept opening by itself because of the strong winds and in the past the thought has always come that it’s a warning. To be careful there is is an open door is that me or it your thoughts Lord

Jesus responded,
“Beloved it is from me, I speak to you through everything. You are very keen on the signs I show you and even the consolation,but you don’t trust me. Did I not give you the rhema about “fear of suffering weakens your love for me you follow at a distance ask for the grace to draw closer” and “555” right before it began?”

Yes Lord you did, I wanted to think it a suffering but the pain was so deep and the readings confusing I began to see it as truth Lord help me

Jesus continued,
Well my little one in all suffering I allow there is always hint a truth in their beloved it is your nothingness, your lowliness that you must see. That is indeed the way to heroic humility. Too see me through everything and everyone just as I allowed King David to be cursed by Shimei. He didn’t get discouraged, angry at me or resentful beloved but, he saw my hand in that. More importantly he saw his lowliness and nothingness so he accepted all things good and bad from my hands. Clung to me alone and sought my praise alone. Hence that is why he was a man after my own heart. This is a season of purifying my little one and this generation, my people, have no idea what it means to walk in true humility and embrace their nothingness and I am using you to be an example.

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Email: Maryelisha@fromjesuswithloveministry.org
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