Trump’s order was the last straw – at least, the last paper one. We should rejoice

President Donald Trump's executive order banning paper straws might be the biggest bi-partisan win of his presidency and to quote former President Joe Biden, "that's not hyperbole." Let’s face it folks, Americans don’t agree on a lot these days. Take the Super Bowl halftime show for instance. Some people thought Kendrick Lamar was amazing, others hated it so much they'd rather watch a DEI Musical that USAID sent to Ireland.

But when it comes to paper straws, pretty much everybody knows they suck, and not in the way they were meant to. The president said as much, telling onlookers in the Oval Office, "These things don't work, I've had them many times, and on occasion, they break, they explode. If something's hot, they don't last very long, like a matter of minutes, sometimes a matter of seconds. It's a ridiculous situation."

Trump's running commentary is a big part of each signing ceremony, along with his practice of giving away the pen he used, like a guitarist who throws a pic into the crowd after shredding a vicious solo at a rock concert.

But if ever there was a time for the president to take a stage dive, it's now.

Nobody likes paper straws and to quote the anti-DOGE Democrats, "we didn't vote for this."

Simply put, they were forced on the country by environmentalists who used what can best be described as sketchy scientific claims, including one about sharks eating the plastic straws and choking on them.

Forgive me if I missed the "Jaws" sequel where they took out the great white with a soda from the McDonald’s drive thru, but at least the shark got to taste that Tab cola, which was never an option for those of us humans using paper.

Having said that, there's still no logic to support the argument that fish or reptiles might be harmed by plastic, so we should switch to dissolvable paper instead.

Repeat after me:

If a straw dissolves in liquid, then so do your hopes of enjoying a beverage with one.

It's 10 times worse if you have kids.

Take one walk through a mall food court, and you'll quickly realize that paper straws are responsible for more childish screaming fits than AOC's Instagram account.

Never mind the insanity that some paper straws are packaged inside plastic rappers, which is like holding an AA meeting inside a Hooters.

There's also the small matter that paper straws cost more to produce, which places an undue burden on restaurants at a time when many studies show that straws made from plant-based materials have more harmful chemicals than their plastic partners.