Two-Minute History Mystery Double Feature

The first half of the skit (“The Adventures of Captain Ergo/Trashy Jack and Pickle Switch”) was inspired by a troupe member’s common complaints about ergonomic furniture and devices (ugly, difficult to use, overpriced, European-designed/Chinese-built). Most of the time when he first got his ergonomic devices, he ended up wasting way too much time wrestling with them and trying to get them to do what he wanted. After a few minutes he would think, “the hell with it, I don’t have time for this, I’ve got to get to work” and leave it improperly adjusted, which defeated the purpose of ergonomic furniture. So why didn’t he read the instruction manual? Because the manuals were nowhere to be found; they were probably in a drawer somewhere in the Facilities department. Chairs were the worst culprit with their multiple levers and risks of crushing a finger if he inadvertently adjusted the wrong handle. It just goes to show that just because it’s “ergonomic,” it doesn’t mean its user-friendly. Those are indeed two completely different disciplines in the world in human factors.

While we here at CoBaD are firm believers in the adage “you get what you pay for,” it seems to us that manufacturers of this crap from art deco hell are well aware that those in the industrial and home office world will eat this stuff up. So they slap an ergonomic label on their products so they can raise the prices, design it in Europe in order to make it look (and “sound”) more sophisticated (raising the prices even further), and, in order to really maximize their profits, have it manufactured in China (just like all the other crap in our country). We can’t help but think this is playing out like a chapter in Shawn E. Lee’s “The Fruits of Grift” (see the “Faux Cowboy” drawing).

So the sketch here, as Captain Ergo/Trashy Jack said, is really about stopping villains who attempt to butter up a defense contractor and persuade him to buy cheap, American-designed Chinese-made office supplies so that the superhero can persuade him to buy expensive, European-designed Chinese-made office supplies. Lobbyists take all sorts of forms, you know.

Captain Ergo: “Shut yer poop hole, Jabba the Butt! You’re going downtown! And you wipe that vertical smile off your face!” - “Poop Hole” is a passing (pardon the pun) reference to the professional fartist, Joseph Pujol (1857-1945), also known as Fartomaniac or (as he was called in France) Le Pétomane. It is this last name that was the inspiration for William J. Le Pétomane, the governor in the 1974 comedy “Blazing Saddles.”

Butt Kisser: “On the contrary, my dear Captain…I know sh**, Ergo, I blow sh**…I’m smiling cause I’m armed with Ron O’Swelles’s peas, a massive bowl of bran flakes and backed by a twin aerial assault of cabbage and chili beans. And I ain’t afraid of blowin’ brown on you for goin’ downtown on me! So one s-s-s-s-step closer and I’ll b-b-b-b-b-blow my beans out…” For more on this, see the ”O Crispy Peas” sketch.

Captain Ergo: “For I’m none other than the ever-clashing warfighter Trashy Jack, the Government furnished disk space leviathan 95th percentile synthetic cubist digital human supermodel from the planet ANSUR II!” - A play on “Classic Jack,” a 3D human modeling program. A troupe member of ours used to work with digital human models. The models within the software weren’t the problem; they were quite stable. Exported models were a different story. The contractor he worked for required that he use digital human models submitted by his government customer. The models were quite large, colored like the Partridge Family school bus, and frequently caused the visualization software to crash at even the slightest hand or foot manipulation. Yet another example of why we should never let the government build anything.

ANSUR II (aka, the 2012 Anthropometric Survey of U.S. Army Personnel: Methods and Summary Statistics) is a Technical Report issued by the Army that conducted body measurements on over 5000 men and women.

Incidentally, what makes Jack particularly trashy looking is his striking resemblance to the fiddler in the the lesser known (“Philadelphia version”) of Picasso’s oil on canvas “Los Tres Mùsicos” (Three Musicians).”

Boot Licker: “Both my faces are still on fire, Fartomaster, so knock off those tweets…” – Another reference to Joseph Pujol (see above).

Nelson: “Wow, that Pickle Switch Scourge is so cool…” For more on this running gag, see the “How to Stimulate a Depressed Family” and “The Badger Dog of Courage/Wifetime Guarantee or Your Wife Back” sketches.

Thebay: “I tell ya, one time, on this bombing mission, I had this crazy airman, Lieutenant Orr, who…” – Thebay is referring to Lieutenant Orr of “Catch-22” fame. For more on Thebay GInns, Vice President of Nonsense Missile Defense, see the “Irritable Vowel Syndrome” sketch.

Nelson: “Hi, my name is Napoleon. Have you seen me? I’m a Bitch and Freeze. I like to cuddle, start fights with large objects, and engage in ruinous land wars in Asia, especially in winter. If you know of my whereabouts, please call Josephine at the number below.” - From what we’ve read, Bichon Frisés are nice dogs. Unfortunately, we’re afraid the breed is a victim of a game we call “Guilt by Word Association”:

Napoleon = Wars in Russia
Wars in Russia = Bitch and Freeze
Bitch and Freeze = Bichon Frisé

Sad really.

Voiceover: “Nellie and Josie soon found Wellington some new dictatorial playmates; an ankle biting Chihuahua hors d'oeuvre named Santa Anna, and a sparrow eating entrée named Chairman Chow.”

Mexican President for life Antonio López de Santa Anna (1794-1876) was definitely a shape shifting dictators. He switched political parties as it suited him, and discarded and reinstated the Mexican Constitution (again as it suited him). He came to power as a liberal twice in 1832 and in 1847, both times sharing power with the liberal statesman Valentín Gómez Farías, and both times Santa Anna overthrew Gómez Farías (once again as it suited him) after switching back to the conservatives (yet again as it suited him. See a trend here?). Santa Anna made use of the military to dissolve Congress multiple times and referred to himself by the honorific title of“His Most Serene Highness.” If there’s ever an instance in which we at CoBaD would label a Chihuahua a “dropkick dog,” it would be a little sh*t named Santa Anna.

The sparrow-eating entrée Chairman Chow was in reference to Chinese Communist leader Mao the Dung’s disastrous “Four Pests Campaign” of the late 1950s. His four pests were rats, flies, mosquitos, and sparrows. If you’re thinking “Wait a minute, sparrows aren’t pests,” then you did more thinking than Mr. Dung ever did. By killing off the sparrow population, he welcomed in another pest: locusts. The locusts wiped out the crops, causing The Great China Famine that lasted from 1959-1961 and killed between 15 and 55 million people.

Voiceover: “...catty corner to Cadaver’s Boot Hill City and Sham Synod Emporium…” -
The picture is of Jean Paul Lauren’s “Le Pape Formose et Étienne VI ("Pope Formosus and Stephen VI"), a depiction of the “sham” Cadaver Synod that took place in January, 897. The name is a mashup of Boot Hill, the famous cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona, and of a Western wear store called “Cavender’s Boot City.” The first time we passed by it we thought it said “Cadaver’s” and couldn’t get it out of our minds.

The Grumble Copycat Dogcaster Society - The picture, “Freedom from Freedom” is a spoof of the “Freedom from Rockwell” picture, which is a spoof of Norman Rockwell’s “Freedom from Want” painting. The promo is poking fun of Rumble podcasters. The two human podcasters at the head of the table (Mr. Beyond Reproach aka Dan Bongino and Ms. Prudish, aka Evita) take a jab at two popular podcasters on Rumble. It’s easy to find Evita. Just look for the podcast called “The Bongino Report” (never mind the fact that Mr. Bongino never actually makes an appearance on the show).

These two podcasters, while good political analysts, have irritating flaws. Mr. Bongino, while a very knowledgeable individual, seems to be rather smug about it at times. He uses phrases like “I’m batting 1.000” and “I’m always right.” What’s particularly annoying is that he frequently seems to suspect (at times to an almost pathological degree) that people are doubting him. Trust us, Mr. Bongino, if we doubted you, we here at CoBaD wouldn’t be watching your podcasts. And stop yelling at us for raising questions; we thought Rumble was a platform where we were allowed to express ourselves (and expressing ourselves, Mr. Reproach, includes expressing doubts).

Evita, while also knowledgeable, needs to stick to what she knows, which appears to be politics and little else. In one podcast, for example, she railed on about how much she hated a collection of artwork (although perhaps we should let that slide since in this very sketch we “trashed” Picasso). But more famously in a 10 January 2025 podcast covering Jimmy Carter’s funeral, she said that the playing of John Lennon’s song “Imagine” was very inappropriate for a funeral, a “crappy song” and “it sucks.” First of all, Ms. Prudish, if you had done the slightest bit of research into the matter, you would have realized that it was Mr. Carter’s favorite song and that he specifically requested it be played at his funeral, and one should always honor a man's (reasonable) dying request. Second, “Imagine” has been consistently rated by fans and critics alike as one of the greatest songs ever written by one of the greatest songwriters that ever lived. It seems to us that Ms. Prudish is the one out of touch, not the late President, and that she really needs to get her head out of her ivory tower.

Pardon the “The White Album” reference, but Dear Prudish, open up your eyes. I’m sure if you do you’ll realize that there’s more to this world than spewing streams from a comfy studio, riding the coattails of a popular podcaster and having a camera-shy yes man for a husband (side note: if your husband is looking to further his career in “yesmanship”, we understand The Office Toadies is taking applications), a famous journalist for a mother (whom you, in a very nepotistic sense, show clips of her in her podcasts) and a pencil pushing cabinet secretary for a father. It’s P.E. class, Evita! Time to break out the kid gloves and softball questions!

The “dogcasters” at the table are also send ups of Rumble podcasters. Their presence is a spoof of Alastair Reid’s’ 1978 poem “Curiosity.” A member of our troupe read it in high school and the phrase “doggie circles” always stuck with him because it implied groupthink we here at CoBaD think applies to Rumble podcasters.

As mentioned previously, the humans at the table are very popular podcasters. The “dogs” at the table want to be popular too, so they “copycat” their mannerisms, their opinions and even go so far as to fight over and beg for their mainstream media clips, X-posts and Red Book (aka Red Note) videos, which, upon closer examination, may in fact be fake or outright parodies.

For instance, a troupe member of ours saw a podcaster react live to a Tik-Tok video of a woman complaining that since Trump has been elected, that she and her family will no longer to be able to live on welfare and that they will have to go to work. The host then preceded to lose his temper and rail on the woman for being such a parasite. The troupe member had the live chat window open and saw chat post after chat post scroll by saying that the woman was a troll and that the video was actually a parody (this woman apparently has a channel full of similar material). The podcaster, oblivious to the chat, continued to berate the woman. It wasn’t until someone donated five dollars and posted a comment saying it was a joke video that he realized his error of his ways (the podcaster only reads comments from those who donate money. Money talks?). It was kind of embarrassing to watch, especially since we here at CoBaD are a little gullible, too.

Another problem with podcasters sharing videos and posts is when a viewer watches several podcasters. The aforementioned troupe member watches several podcasters a day while at work. He watched a noon podcast and the host, Podcaster D, said something like “hey guys, have you seen this video?” To which the troupe member sarcastically responded, “Yes, I did. Podcaster A showed it on his 8am show, Podcaster B showed in on this 9am show and Podcaster C showed it on his 10am show.” It seems that they are either oblivious to one another or, more likely, they are simply copycatting one another, judging by their commentary, and the more outrageous the commentary the better (at least in terms of views, that is). It all adds up to safe predictable dogcasters…
“where well-smelt baskets, suitable wives, good lunches
are the order of things, and where prevails
much wagging of incurious heads and tails.”

It’s funny how Rumble claims that it is a home for free speech but all we here at CoBaD are hearing is a lot of “echo chamber” music. The aforementioned Mr. Lennon spoke of the contradictions of the world when he wrote “Nobody Told Me” (see the end card). I think he would also see the contradictions even today; between the number of podcasters, of whom there are many, and of original thoughts and new words coming out of their respective mouths, of which there appears to be none.

References:
Bongino Report. (10 Jan 2025). Climate Cult Has No One To Blame But Itself (Ep.116). https://rumble.com/v67swjj-climate-cult-has-no-one-to-blame-but-itself-ep.116-01102025.html?e9s=src_v1_upp

Deseret News. 14 January 2025. The decades-old song at the center of a new religion controversy. https://www.deseret.com/faith/2025/01/14/jimmy-carter-funeral-imagine-controversy/

Reid, Alastair (1978). Curiosity. Poetry Archive. https://poetryarchive.org/poem/curiosity/

Wikipedia. Antonio López de Santa Anna. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_L%C3%B3pez_de_Santa_Anna

Wikipedia. Cadaver Synod. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cadaver_Synod

Wikipedia. Four Pests Campaign. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Pests_campaign

Wikipedia: Le Pétomane. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane

Wikipedia. Los Tres Musicos. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Musicians_(Picasso)

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Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable waste of all, social media.