I hate this pain

I recently started stream of consciousness journals and poetry again. This line came out at the end of one of those poems, and it kicked me where the sun don’t shine. While I do have a handful of actually good friends, most of the people I let get close to me for most of my life were really toxic, a consequence no doubt of being a pretty toxic person most of my life too. Being raised by toxic people sets you up for failure, and growth requires breaking free of those moulds. Your vibe attracts your tribe. The longing however for those people that were bad for me remains. I wish I didn’t miss them. I wish I could actually let go of them completely. They remain, indelible lessons recurring in dreams mostly, but sometimes when isolated for too long, even the pain of their poison seems preferable to sitting alone with myself. I hate it. I know that it’s up to me to keep growing and improving, and find better people to share my life with.
#heartache #pain #selfimprovement #personalgrowth #poetry