quadruple bookkeeping in these parts...it's a nineties fairytale in my head

i can share this w/ you, that's all i can do
you can say that i'm lying (i wish you were right)
how could i explain living in dual realities
everyone does it, i am more aware of it
i feel like i'm experiencing 7 different realities at the same mfing time
there's always that guilt complex looming
it's very clear that people don't want what reality has to offer
the phones/computers/tvs have proven that most will choose an alternate reality as much as possible
i understand wanting to escape, i just don't understand their method
their escape is more of the same shit that they run from
twitter world, yep that's what it is hahaha
you're wrong for shaming people lost in phone addiction, amy i mean
i don't need no phone to escape
i can't imagine someone not boring the fuck outta me
i am just hyper conscious of the reality of human relationships
a lotta shit makes me real sad, man
maybe that just triggers my abandonment issues or some shit
this chord progression is very peaceful
it's harder trying to be sumin that i know i'll never be
yeah kurt's friends in his head were waaaay better, GET IT he didn't fucking kill himself
it's so depressing living in this world when you are highly conscious
mostly everyone is lacking any interest in becoming conscious
one dimensional people on all sides (typically living by slogans)
they were already sooooo simple-minded so social media destroyed whatever was left
women, naturally prone to fixate on image related shit, were wrecked by insta!spam
i always knew that i'd never plz the general public so...
so i became an alcoholic hahahaha
i understand my choice n also that it terrified those around me
if you saw me drink you'd understand that i wanted to die
at least i could cry tho, the anti-depressant wouldn't lemme do that
crying makes me feel better since it's totally cathartic
this friend of mine who's also mentally ill...
very, very peaceful at my most weepy...welcome to the sad ass channel
attempting to fuck a mirror is as awkward as it sounds
i dunno what to do aside from what i'm doin now
so broken but at least i'm open n honest about what this is even when it's ugly n people shit on it
just goin thru sumin, no meds required for discomfort
crying makes ME comfortable n others very uncomfortable
*i ended up goin up n it was so ughhhhh
i understand why i play the way that i play
no way to win talkin about this stuff
i don't want people to feel sorry for me since i ain't a victim
i won't run from anything all cos it's painful (mentally n emotionally speaking)
you dunno me, i know i shoot a lot but yawl don't see everythang
i live so much in my head n it does pain me
i've talked about billy joel's failure to save his marriage(s) but his ability to write damn good love songs
maybe you write a song for the person you wish you were n you desire for it to be a certain way (that it obviously will never be)
hold onto the feeling a little longer perhaps
i think about all the jokes i've ever told
what if they won't lemme break the mold of myself
analyzing my ways as if that could fix it
many can't move on from their supposed torch
how am i like that
tell themselves a story over n over again
so bloody that they wanna let everyone know how low they were willing to go
validating sumin w/in yourself perhaps
just attempting to understand that part of you that only you could understand
there's a level that normal people will never comprehend
it doesn't matter how many x i get on stage or play the same chords
it'll never be enough ad infinitum
there was a lot to take in but also what if i still said nothing
they only say that cos i say way more than other people
this is what's wrong w/ comedy now
one style of comedy is telling the truth
they're validating sumin it seems
i mean i am doing it for that reason but also i guess it's good for me
they don't want the truth, they want entertainment
it's good to have friends that hold you accountable
a part of me needs comedy but not the audience necessarily
since i already have an audience in my head i don't need a real one (they only disappoint by comparison)
even if i do well n people get sumin out of it i still can't ever relax about it
why i'm still on drugs...yep
this ongoing pressure is probably a good thing
i can't see myself doing this in this reality
in a dual reality i am imagining it but i am a completely different person
you dunno (maybe some of you lucky ones)