How to ruin your relationship in under 10 seconds

In a relationship, is it better to be ‘nice’, or ‘kind’?

Well first off, what comes to your mind when you hear the term “nice guy”?

“He was really nice, but we just didn’t vibe.”

To be ‘nice’ means to be agreeable, courteous, friendly, generous, to avoid conflict, to compliment and encourage others. This often means putting others needs ahead of your own, avoiding necessary confrontation, compromising one’s own principles, being misleading or dishonest, and possibly coming off as creepy, desperate, and needy.

Oxford Dictionary defines ‘kind’ as “having, showing, or proceeding from a benevolent, friendly, or generous nature.”

Is telling the truth being ‘nice’ or ‘kind’? What if we can’t be honest without hurting someone's feelings? What if you think your partner looks truly horrific in that outfit, but they really like it. Do you say what's on your mind, that you are losing more and more attraction for them every second they continue to wear it, or do you lie and tell them they look great, because it will boost their mood, and ensure they have a great evening, while you slowly die inside.

The question beckons: Is it possible to be both nice and kind?

Firstly though, what about being kind and getting your point across without bothering to be ‘nice’… Is that acceptable? It’s benevolent, considerate, altruistic even. On the other hand, it’s certainly possible to be nice without being kind. We’re all guilty of saying something overly positive that isn't truthful.

Imagine this, you’re just about ready to go out for dinner at your favourite restaurant. It’s a double date with your best friend and their partner. Your significant other comes out of the bedroom with bed hair, dandruff on their shoulders, and wearing an outfit that says, “I don’t give a fuck.” You can’t stomach hurting their feelings, so you muster up something ’nice’ to say and exclaim “I love your hair!” or “You look great!” Good job. You just lied through your teeth, and they probably know it too.

So, does that mean to be ‘nice’ you must be dishonest, hypocritical, insincere, disingenuous, and misleading?

It’s sometimes necessary to be ‘kind’, even if it is not ‘nice’ to do so. It is ‘nice’ to lie to your partner and tell them they look great, even if they don’t. In contrast, it is ‘kind’ to be honest with them, even if it hurts their feelings in the moment. To be honest and assertive, while also being respectful of others' feelings is the goal. The most important thing is to communicate openly and honestly with our partners. We should be able to share our thoughts and feelings with each other, even if it’s difficult. We should also be willing to listen to our partners' perspectives and try to understand their mindset. This is a reminder that it is important to be true to ourselves, even if it means being unpopular or disappointing others.

The ancient Stoics say to treat people with fairness and kindness. Stoicism taught that in some situations, being ‘nice’ or overly accommodating could conflict with virtues like justice or self-control. They advised against yielding to unjust requests or sacrificing our values solely to avoid conflict or gain approval. In essence, they believed that genuine virtue, wisdom, and rationality should always take precedence over mere politeness, the desire to please others, or rather, to be ‘nice’. Epictetus stated, “The only true good is virtue.” and Seneca says, “The good person is not the one who has all the virtues, but the one who is always striving to acquire them.”

Being a good person is a journey, not a destination. It's a process of learning and growing. It's about making mistakes, learning from them, and more importantly, forgiving ourselves, and others, for making them. Making a conscious choice to be a better person each day and making the choice in each moment that is of mutual benefit.

Music: Lee Mapstone / Ancient AstroNaughts
Voice: Lee Mapstone
Script: Lee Mapstone