When a Christian thinks God is evil but cannot say it aloud: Part 4

When I was small, I told you my mom was the devout Christian parent, didn’t I? Well, she taught me that God was to be revered and feared, and when I hear the very consonant, vowel, consonant that make up the English word God, I still shudder a bit. Not so with Jesus, but that’s for another day. And of course I was told God was all-powerful and God is love and justice and stuff, which is why it doesn’t make sense for such a God to allow suffering and pain and sin to run amok, to go unchecked, allowing the righteous to suffer. But anyway I was imparted such a fear of God and my mom was so demanding and exacting of me to be a good girl that I can confidently tell you that I did everything right as a girl: when I was suggested to get baptised, even though I didn’t believe, I did it anyway because that’s what good Christian girls do, isn’t that? And to go to Bible study regardless of what I truly felt, and even become a missionary because we need to bring the gospel to the ends of the earth, right? Except that, I hardly stopped to think, what kind of gospel am I imparting? Because all I know is that when I tell others about Jesus in person, first they come up with questions I somehow don’t have answers to, like why can an event that happened two thousand years ago be our salvation? And I know that none, and I mean zero, of the people to whom I told the canonical gospel in the sinner’s prayer or whatnot believed. It’s such a shame and I can’t go to heaven like that! But when my mom or aunties did their missionary work, somehow they got conversions and that made me even more embarrassed of this faith. One last thing is that miraculous healings, which are characteristic of Charismatic Christianity, a denomination sometimes I was in and out of and a few of my aunts were more involved in, almost always talk about gift of tongues and healing, but never for once did I get a single miraculous healing on my own body. On others, yes, when I laid hands on one person and the pain was instantly gone, but never, ever once did it happen to me. It’s like God favored other people more than me. I seriously can make a stronger and stronger case why this external God is evil, and maybe eventually segue to the discussion about the internal God, but for now I really enjoy telling you what I truly think, unencumbered by those who’d call me a heretic inside the church, and YouTube likes this sort of content anyway. I’m told there are only two kinds of people who see the truth about ultimate reality: satanists and fundamentalist Christians. So let me exercise my freedom of speech, and I’ll vent more on my understanding of truth next time.
Photo by Magda Ehlers: https://www.pexels.com/photo/cutouts-of-letters-4116661/