A Christian breaks down: I have no God to save me, only myself, and I know why #manifestation

It’s Mrs Dumpling again.
Perhaps you’re now thinking ill of me because I finally said God is evil. But really my experience of God was evil, and I can die on the hill talking at length about why I defend my long-held but ineffable notion that God is evil.
We assume God is external and physically larger than us because He created the heavens and the earth, and powers the world any which way He pleases. But He also allows people to sin and be bullied and become victims of injustice and crime and just not living up to their potential, and that’s what I’m indignant against.
It turns out, this particular external entity is called in the Epistle to the Ephesians chapter 2 verse 2 “the prince of the power of the air” and is responsible for our input from the visible, tangible, or sensory reality. Whereas in Ephesians chapter 3 verse 20, actually the good Lord, Yahweh, the I am, Jesus, Holy Spirit, His power works, not outside of us, but literally within us, and the original Greek word, numbered Strong's 1410, is the root word for dynamite in English, so it’s exceedingly powerful, like a trillion times more than all the physical forces combined.
But the association between God and the externality has been so entrenched in my consciousness that I still say with perfect sincerity and honesty that God is evil, and when in the presence of Christian company, when I chime in the refrains of Praise God and God is good and God is great, I know I am lying through my teeth, but I can’t say it aloud.
Certainly how we view God ties in with how we experience our fathers or the absence thereof, and if some dads didn’t keep promises, made our mothers upset, or actually gave us stones when we asked for bread, the kids will <emphasis level="strong">never</emphasis> forget.
In my case, my parents were of different faiths, my mother being a devout Christian and my father a staunch atheist from day one and for my entire childhood and adolescence. To this day I could never understand why, despite the admonition in second Corinthians chapter 6 verse 14, mom would still choose dad. I had to do a lot of soul searching as a result, because my dad told me to only rely on myself, but my mom told me to rely on God, and both can’t be correct at the same time. As I didn’t have friends as a girl, I could only claim Jesus as my only friend, and played the part of a good Christian girl for many years, even getting baptized when actually, I never believed and wouldn’t if I wasn’t the kind who cared more about her image than her inner child’s most candid thoughts.
My concept of so-called being saved is really just ignoring present sufferings because of the promise of being taken to a distant paradise after I die, and while on earth, when I’m hurting, somehow an external force would change my circumstances or make me bear with it and suppress my venting.
But the truth is: change myself and I change the world, or at least, my world. Only I can make the change. I can’t rely on anyone but myself. It is I alone who create heaven and hell personal to me. My heaven doesn’t involve playing harps with angels, and my hell is being unable to speak truth. The truth that I believe the external God we thought was God is actually the devil in disguise, and the internal one called I am is the true God to worship.
So, my dad won. Mom merely made me look saved and bound for heaven on the outside. Dad gets whatever he wants by force and I saw violence on TV, why does this God who created the heavens and the earth also allow pain, suffering and death, and let sin and injustice remain unchecked? Thus I concluded that the world is run by force and I must be tough to avoid becoming the next victim. It was hard to overcome the idea that prayer wasn’t just throwing feeble words into the air.
I was among those who recoiled at Neville Goddard’s blasphemous claim that each conscious human being is literally God, including you and I, because I’ve seen logical proofs demonstrating that there can only be one God, but I later recalled so many crazy things in my life that weren’t precognition but happened after I deliberately dwelt on certain thoughts and feelings. But I don't 100% trust Neville in his claim that Jesus isn’t historical because I’m fully convinced by Lee Strobel’s The Case for Christ, the historical existence, death, and resurrection of Jesus is all provable with evidence. That’s why I’d rather stay away from the forums because quoting Neville or other so-called teachers is a must there.
I forgot to complete a sentence in the last video regarding the standard dating advice of “if he wanted to he would”: if a guy likes me, he’ll pursue me, treat me on nice dates, initiate plans and stuff. The boy I liked, who’s now Mr. Dumpling, had done none of that. Well, I felt sorry for the Christians who took the standard advice, broke up, moved on, grieved, all the usual things that the prince of the power of the air gave as standard rules and advice in the name of God’s will, and they didn’t know they could actually turn things around in their favor just by praising the I am like saying I am loved, I am worthy of this loving committed relationship with whoever I want, I deserve honor and respect, and all the self concept affirmations. These extreme declarative statements over your little body of flesh actually work to counteract limiting beliefs we normally adopt like “I am just a sinner saved by grace, I am not worthy, suffering is a normal part of life, God can say no to my prayers, if he wanted to he would” et cetera. Unless both I am’s are connected as one continuous entity, like when Jesus said I and the Father are one, I seriously don’t know how else to explain why these bombastic affirmations work.
Next time it’s a surprise topic. Stay tuned.

Video by Vimeo from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/video/milky-way-glowing-at-night-857136/
Video by James Cheney from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/video/father-blowing-bubbles-for-her-daughter-3738655/