When a Christian actually thinks God is evil but cannot say it aloud

Knowing God didn't shield my wider Christian community from not taking the c19 jab, so I know something is wrong with the way Christianity is taught, and we've been fed untruths in the name of truth:

Originally I wanted to talk about the prevailing Christian view of God's answers to prayer being yes, no, and wait versus the manifestation world's notion that persistence will eventually yield a yes and that there are causes of failure or delay, but a more pressing topic is on my mind and I usually don't talk about it with people, least of all Mr Dumpling, because he's still a Christian and he married me thinking I'm still the same Christian girl who got to know him, but no. I learnt to manifest consciously because he was the specific person who blocked me whom I mentioned in my last video, and the standard Christian dating advice was to move on from him. Today I had an Earl Gray because I know it's not very patriotic for me to drink anything but coffee and I'm outside the vast beautiful country I call home. But today I just want to talk about how I personally view God. It sounds heretical at first and that's why I hardly ever tell Christians what I really believe. So basically I think God is evil because he allows us to suffer and allows bad things to happen to so-called good people and that he's definitely not great, even though this morning my mom shared a prayer praising God for being great. No, hell no. Nobody praises a God who's evil. Of course I never tell my mom what I really think. I wouldn't even let her read it aloud. I think the Christian God is too small for me, because I had to deny my pleasures in the name of denying myself and carrying my cross. Now of course sometimes adversity is a kind of refinement, but no sane body wants needless suffering, and I've had more than enough of that. I've read countless Christian articles on the theology of suffering and basically it boils down to "if you believe in an external God who died for you historically and that some things just aren't in your control, then you're gonna be okay, just lay everything at the feet of the cross" and I went along with that for some time. But now that I know I was the one somehow choosing to suffer when I never had to, and my experience defying standard advice using manifestation actually worked, while others who believed "if he wanted to he would" and the guy God wants me to be with would proactively pursue me, I come to the conclusion that there is no such person as "the one". I used to buy into the dating advice at Mark Ballenger's Apply God's Word website, but an icky point there could only be explained perfectly by manifestation: Ballenger said that if you meet the one whom you're going to marry, you just have a knowing. A knowing. No Bible reference. Having practiced conscious manifestation gave me a grasp on what knowing meant. I can manifest any specific person I want. Thanks to manifestation, I also stopped subscribing to the notion of a deterministic God's will, and although I'm grateful for having manifested Mr Dumpling, I still remember having second thoughts, okay being single for life anytime. That's it for today. A new video next time.