Biden DNC Eulogy

📢 𝐑𝐮𝐛𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐮𝐛𝐚𝐧 𝐑𝐞𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 📢

🚨 𝑫𝑵𝑪 𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏: 𝑵𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 1 𝑹𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒑—𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑮𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝑯𝒊𝒕𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝑯𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒉! 🚨

Last night, the Democratic National Convention kicked off with all the sparkle of a used car salesman’s pitch—only with a lot more empty promises and a few extra Biden gaffes! 🥳

The evening began with the usual fanfare of self-congratulatory speeches, where the word "unity" was tossed around like confetti at a New Year’s party.

Everyone seemed to forget they’ve spent the last few years eating each other alive over every little thing. But hey, who needs consistency when you’ve got a national stage and a teleprompter?

The speakers took turns boasting about their “achievements,” each one stretching the truth further than a yoga instructor in a hot studio. From solving climate change (by raising your energy bills) to fixing the economy (by redefining what “fixed” means), it was a masterclass in creative storytelling.

Then came the grand finale: Joe Biden himself, delivering what can only be described as a self-eulogy. With a twinkle in his eye and a grin that said, "I’ve got this," Biden recounted his decades of “achievements,” including his legendary battle with a cafeteria tray in 1973. He assured everyone that he’s still got what it takes to lead America—assuming he can remember where he put the keys to the White House.

The night wrapped up with a rousing rendition of the National Anthem, or at least, that’s what it was supposed to be. Half the audience seemed more interested in finding their Uber than standing for the flag, but hey, priorities, right?

Stay tuned for tonight’s episode, where the DNC promises even more dazzling tales, astonishing spins, and maybe a special guest appearance from Hunter’s laptop! 🍿