Pharmacy for the Devil

Inspired by reading articles about 20th century drugstores. In the early to mid-20th century, drugstores, as a way to attract noontime customers, added soda fountains, complete with sandwiches and light lunches. When you think about it, it almost seems as silly as trying to buy cheese at a pharmacy, which was in an early draft of the Monty Python skit “Cheese Shop.” Nowadays of course, drugstores don’t work that way; now they are primarily known as places to purchase prescription and over the counter drugs. So we brought back the classic the drugstore/lunch counter setting, only this time made the prescription and over the counter med into lunch items.

This sketch was also inspired by the all too common practice of self-medication. Probably sprouting from the old adage “Take two and call me in the morning” (a line uttered by Mr. Jimmy later in the sketch, which refers to people who unnecessarily see the doctor for illnesses they can just take care of themselves). Now, it seems the pendulum has swung the opposite way; people have a medicine cabinet chock full of medications; self-medicating themselves at will even when medication isn’t even necessary.

How people get into these conditions is less about a genuine illness than a function of the society in which they live. That’s the premise of this sketch. The premise is similar to “Give Mankind Enough Time” sketch except that instead of special interest driving human behavior, an otherworldly sinister force is driving behavior; in this case, the over-commercialization of holidays. The background of the premise goes like this: Marketers and advertisers sell their souls to the devil (incidentally, Mr. Tchaikovsky informed us in the “Spirit of Sechsundsiebzig” sketch, that liquidation of your soul is a requirement to joining their work force; marketers simply sell their souls to the devil, lease it back and deduct the sale on their taxes). Marketers and advertisers, with their fresh influx of cash, “zombiefy” feast days and secular holidays, controlling them with their products. The zombie holidays, which are inherently a restless type not happy with their current relationship where they are wedded to a single month through all eternity (except for, as April noted, that two-timing Easter), attempt to seduce months (personified in this sketch as April and June), lavishing them with their newly acquired wealth, promising that they will abandon their tired old months and move in with them (Months, by the way, don’t disappear and come back the following year, they continue to function in society, going shopping and paying their bills just like you and me. They put on their pants one day at a time like the rest of us, we just don’t notice them because our Tik-Tok-like attention spans are focused on the here and now).

Then, when the holiday on the real calendar passes, the feast day/secular day, having its way with its victim, goes running back into the arms of its betrothed month, leaving the poor jilted month with a heartache and an upset stomach (figuratively and literally speaking).

Armed with a literal and figurative heartburn and sickness to their stomachs, rather than “prescribing” to the idiom “time heals all wounds,” they go for the quick fix and pay a visit to the soda fountain/drugstore where they medicate themselves on Pepto Bismol, Milk of Magnesia, omeprazole, esomeprazole and side orders of sucralfates. Dr. Luke Uhfer takes a cut of the cash, distributes some of it to pay off labor (namely his in (divided) house doctors, Dr. Faucitus and Dr. Kim (whom, by the way, are a significant sources of income to Dr. Uhfer’s operation since the former is a World Health Organization advocate and the latter is a World Health Organization detractor), and invests the rest in material, namely in the form of buying more marketing and advertising souls and so on and so forth.

The dialogue makes repeated references to “You Keep Me Hangin’ On” by the Supremes and “You Can’t Always Get What you Want” by the Rolling Stones, but, as you can see, the devil makes himself known in the skit with references to “Sympathy for the Devil” by The Rolling Stones; “hangin’ on” like a pall over the skit.

April: “Sorry, I don’t watch those trashy, whitewashed propaganda-laden Movietone news reels that are so clean you could operate off of them. Who are the Allied Farces?”
June: “It’s not from a news reel, silly; it’s a comedy team. You probably know them by their nicknames: Bomber, Lapdog, Randy, and Uncle Joe. The boisterous, genocidal maniac Arthur ‘Bomber’ Harris, his ugly, mumbling and nimble lapdog, Winston ‘I was against the communists before I was for them before I was against them again’ Churchill…”

On 28 March 1945, in a memo sent by telegram to General Ismay for the British Chiefs of Staff and the Chief of the Air Staff regarding the February, 1945 bombing of Dresden, Germany, Winston Churchill wrote:

“It seems to me that the moment has come when the question of bombing of German cities simply for the sake of increasing the terror, though under other pretexts, should be reviewed. Otherwise we shall come into control of an utterly ruined land ... The destruction of Dresden remains a serious query against the conduct of Allied bombing. I am of the opinion that military objectives must henceforward be more strictly studied in our own interests than that of the enemy.

The Foreign Secretary has spoken to me on this subject, and I feel the need for more precise concentration upon military objectives such as oil and communications behind the immediate battle-zone, rather than on mere acts of terror and wanton destruction, however impressive.”

Churchill was pressured by his (subordinate) Chiefs of Staff and the “genocidal maniac” Air Chief Marshal Arthur “Bomber” Harris to rescind the memo. Churchill could have fired his generals or told them to go bomb themselves. Instead Churchill (in our opinion, cravenly) withdrew his memo and issued a new one on 1 April 1945, calling Dresden an “Area (or strategic) bombing”:

“...the moment has come when the question of the so called 'area-bombing' of German cities should be reviewed from the point of view of our own interests. If we come into control of an entirely ruined land, there will be a great shortage of accommodation for ourselves and our allies. ... We must see to it that our attacks do no more harm to ourselves in the long run than they do to the enemy's war effort.”

The “I was against the communists before I was for them before I was against them again” line was referring to Great Britain’s prime minister Churchill’s hatred of communism, before he pivoted to form the “grand alliance” with the US and the Soviet Union after Nazi Germany’s invasion of the Soviet Union in June 1941, claiming “the Russian danger…is our danger.” Churchill then pledged aid to the Russian people (which we think it’s safe to say was pilfered by Stalin). Then in 1946 he pivoted back to hating communism again in his famous “iron curtain” speech.

June: “…the randy and adulterous New Deal, Executive Order 9066-enforcing internment camp warden, president-for-life Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and his uncle, paranoid five-year plan, Article-58-enforcing gulag warden, president-for-life Joseph Stalin.” – Now we hope we’ve settled once and for all the difference between FDR and Stalin. FDR cobbled together a series of unconstitutional business and agrarian reforms which failed to stimulate the economy, imprisoned so-called enemies of the state without so much as a fair trial, and refused to cede his firm grip on power until the day he passed from this earth. Stalin on the other hand…um…dammit, we should have kept our mouths shut.

April: “Well at least he’s better than that two timer, Easter. What a ham.”
June: “Can’t decide between you and March.”
April: “Feeding me that line about “The moon says that we were destined to be together.”
June: “Damn his philandering hide. May all his marshmallow bunnies have plastic grass stuck all over them.”

Allegedly the Easter curse Santuzza placed upon Turiddu in Act 1 of Pietro Mascagni’s “Cavalleria Rusticana.” Or perhaps not; we don’t speak Italian.

April: “And can’t live without them... Why do they keep a-coming around playing with my heart?”
June: “And there ain't nothing I can do about it, April. I tell ya, it’s almost like clockwork…”
April: “Yeah. Why can’t a day be a man about it…and set me free?”
June: “woo…ooo…”
April: “…They don't care a thing about me…they’re just using me…”
June: “Hey, abusing me…”

Lines from the Supremes 1966 hit “You Keep Me Hangin’ On.” “Hey, abusing me…” was added by Kim Wilde in her 1986 remake. Indeed, like Mr. Jimmy argues, Ms. Wilde’s music video plays up the “stalker” tension he described in this remake of the Supremes song.

June: “Now don’t be coy with me, April. I can tell there’s fireworks between you two; 65,000 shells and six million dollars’ worth to be precise.” - Roughly the size and cost of The Macy’s 4th of July traveling fireworks show in New York in 2020. A “Spirit of Sechsundsiebzig’s” Tchaikovsky might say, “It’s their biggest, best, and most coffer-draining Independence Day celebration since last year.”

June: “… Can’t even keep it down to one day anymore; you two have to hog the whole damn week to shoot your shells off. It’s Independence DAY, not Independence WEEK, April. Disgusting.” – The aforementioned 2020 Fourth of July show lasted six days. People questioned the wisdom of Macy’s sponsorship of the event when that June they announced the layoff of over 4,000 workers. They also questioned the New York’s fiscal responsibility with having six days of fireworks, which meant a lot more money spent on street closures and security than confining the celebration to a single day.

Ja Leck Mich Jukebox: “EXTERMINATE PHARMACY MINIONS….EXTERMINATE FARTIS JUKEBOX…EXTERMINATE CHIPMUNKS…INSERT ONE QUARTER FOR FIVE PLAYS OR BE EXTERMINATED!!!” – Most of the photos we had seen from the 1940s shows jukeboxes rectangular in shape (like the Fartis Jukebox shown in this sketch) or rectangular with a rounded top. However, after doing a little research, we here at CoBaD realized that not all 1940s era jukeboxes were built the same; take for example, the more rounded looking Seeberg 7800 model. We couldn’t help but notice that the Seeberg looked very similar to a Dalek, except that the Seeberg was cut in half lengthwise (presumably so that it could lie flush with a wall) and was cylindrical in shape (vice a Dalek, which is tapered and looks very much like, and indeed was modeled after, a pepper pot). Nevertheless the similarities were enough that we decided to have a little anachronistic fun.

Admittedly, we here at CoBaD have seen very few episodes of “Doctor Who.” Part of it was due to the cheap props, bad dialogue and dreadful acting. But the biggest deterrent to us watching more episodes was the maddening number of plot inconsistencies and muddled timelines (it’s bullsh** jigsaw puzzle copout metaphor notwithstanding, see reference below). We think that that “The Giggle” episode was a lame explanation and just gives Dr. Who writers a reason to put themselves “above the law” when it comes to the rules of writing; “movie the goalposts” whenever it’s convenient. Without a cohesive canon, Dr. Who becomes less of a series and more of a variety show with a bunch of unrelated monologues, comedy skits and musical numbers.

To be fair, as the article suggests, “Doctor Who” is a victim of its own success. Any show that runs long, and certainly one like Doctor Who which has run off and on for over 60 years, is bound to have contradictions. We just think the “everything is canon” solution is a lazy way out. The discontinuities could have been handled better by, say, thorough going through past episodes, noting each and every inconsistency, and dedicating a few episodes (or perhaps even an entire season) to untying this Gordian knot of a series. The “everything is canon” solution is the equivalent of Alexander the Great slicing the Gordian Knot in two with his sword; an intractable problem solved by exercising brute force. We here at CoBaD think the Whovians deserve better than that.

June: “Ugh…Damn this CoBaD virus…spreading reach backs from one sketch to the next…someone needs to swoop in here with great haste and quickly fabricate a sketchy vaccine.”

Could mean:
“Someone needs to rush in with great swiftness and quickly produce a vaccine to protect us from the virus infecting these sketches,”

Or it could mean:
“Someone needs to foolishly wipe out everyone in their path and quickly produce a deceptive vaccine that is of questionable trustworthiness.”

We’re inclined to believe that the COVID (sorry, CoBaD) vaccine is the latter. Forgive our error, those two names sound so much alike.

April: “Don’t worry, June…I’m sure Dr. Faucitus and the National Institutes of Hell are working on it…They’re good at that sorta thing…”

A reference to the Christopher play “Doctor Faustus,” a play about a man who signs away his body and soul to the devil in exchange for 24 years of service from Mephastophilis (a direct report of Dr. Luke Uhfer) and a book of satanic magic. A jab (so to speak) at Dr. Anthony Fauci and the National Institutes of Health.

Voiceover: “This sketch is dedicated to those practiced in the art of deception, formerly known as marketers and advertisers, who every year, hijack our calendars with their schlocky, mind-numbing and brain-eating days of celebration and observation…” - A jab at the difference between celebrated and observed holidays. Marketers and advertisers, and more specifically the travel industry, was behind the Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1968 that moved federal holidays such as Presidents’ Day (officially known as Washington’s Birthday) in order to increase sales. Washington was born on February 22. If we really want to celebrate his legacy, we should take February 22nd off every year and stop moving his birthday around to suit their (and our) selfish three-day weekend-hoarding interests. Veterans Day is celebrated and observed on November 11 of every year (marking the end of World War I), so it seems rather silly that the first U.S. President isn’t extended the same courtesy.

Voiceover: “You’ve been watch CoBaD’s presentation of ‘Pharmacy for the Devil.’ Twice the anachronisms of the leading ‘Braveheart’ at only a fraction of the Oscars. We pass the savings onto you!” – A reference to the 1995 movie “Braveheart,” directed by and starring Mel Gibson. Winner of five Academy Awards, it’s more famous nowadays for its numerous historical inaccuracies.

Allied Farces “A Day at the Yalta” movie promo: Pokes fun at the “Big Three,” British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, U.S. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt and The Soviet Union General Secretary (and FDR’s “Uncle”), Joseph Stalin. Fresh off of their summit in Tehran, Iran in November 1943, the Big Three met in Yalta, Ukraine on 4–11 February 1945 to discuss postwar reorganization, as at that point, Germany was going to lose the war. Contrary to the movie promo, Arthur “Bomber” Harris was unable to attend. He sent his regrets as he was preparing to give a keynote address at a terror bombing conference in Dresden later that month, which was a darn shame, as we here at CoBaD think he and Stalin would have got along swimmingly.

One of our key takeaways from reading about the Yalta conference was FDR’s and Churchill’s dreadful negotiating skills. Prior to the Yalta Conference, we understand why FDR and Churchill may have allowed Stalin to push them around; after all, they needed Stalin’s cooperation if they expected to defeat Hitler and Mussolini. But this was February, 1945; the war in Europe was all but won, and it seems to us that at this point Stalin had lost his leverage. Instead, FDR and Churchill blindly accepted Stalin’s empty promise that Poland would have free and fair democratic elections. Predictably, Stalin made Poland a pro-Soviet regime, and summarily jailed or executed many pro-democracy Poles. Poland felt betrayed by the west by handing its country over to the U.S.S.R. “on a silver platter” and this was after five years of being under Nazi rule. It’s funny how Churchill chided his predecessor Neville Chamberlain for trusting Hitler in signing the Munich Agreement, yet Churchill had no problems trusting Stalin at Yalta. Churchill and the naïve FDR eventually figured out that they had been duped, but it was too late. Poland would remain under Soviet control until the breakup of the U.S.S.R. over four decades later. What a joke.

The Chipmunks and punk rock covers of “Jingle Bells” are courtesy videvo.net.

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References:

Donaldson, M. (08 January 2024). Everything is Canon. Doctor Who Has Solved All Its Continuity Problems with One Line. Screenrant.com. https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-canon-continuity-problems-solved/

Holland, B., Dozier, L., and Holland, E. (1966). You Keep Me Hangin’ On. Performed by The Supremes.

Holland, B., Dozier, L., and Holland, E. (1986). You Keep Me Hangin’ On. Performed by Kim Wilde.

Jagger, M. and Richards, K. (1968). Sympathy for the Devil. Performed by The Rolling Stones. Decca Records.

Jagger, M. and Richards, K. (1969). You Can’t Always Get What You Want. Performed by The Rolling Stones. Decca Records.

Lassen, M. Take two and call me in the morning. Grammarhow.com. https://grammarhow.com/take-two-and-call-me-in-the-morning-meaning/

McClure, P. (01 May 2022). Ten ‘Doctor Who’ Plot Holes Big Enough to Fly the TARDIS through. Collider.com. https://collider.com/doctor-who-plot-holes-big-enough-to-fly-the-tardis-through/

Nicholas, H. (06 June 2024). Winston Churchill. Brtiannica.com. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Winston-Churchill

Wikipedia. Bombing of Dresden. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bombing_of_Dresden

Wikipedia. Braveheart. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Braveheart

Wikipedia. Presidents’ Day. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Presidents'_Day

Wikipedia. Soda fountain. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soda_fountain

Wikipedia. Soda jerk. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soda_jerk

Wikipedia. Uniform Monday Holiday Act. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uniform_Monday_Holiday_Act

Wikipedia. Western betrayal. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_betrayal

Wikipedia. Yalta Conference. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yalta_Conference

Young. M. Untapped New York. https://untappedcities.com/2020/06/30/video-watch-the-macys-july-4th-fireworks-going-on-all-week/

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Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable waste of all, social media.