JAG Executes Oprah Winfrey

The case of JAG vs. Oprah Winfrey reached a theatrical conclusion Monday morning when Winfrey was executed at Guantanamo Bay for having aided and abetted the enemy, FEMA, in depriving Hawaii residents and tourists of life and property during last summer’s Maui inferno.

Although her execution had been scheduled for February 14, JAG postponed the hanging until the 19th, for reasons JAG hadn’t expatiated on at the time of this writing. Real Raw News summarized Winfrey’s tribunal in an earlier article.

Knowledge of her own impending doom, a GITMO source told Real Raw News, hadn’t dampened her insatiable appetite for food, for she voraciously consumed a dozen scrambled eggs, 20 links of sausage, and 12 slices of buttered toast—a glutenous woman’s last repast.

No sooner had she finished gorging herself than two MPs arrived at the cellblock to escort her to the gallows. But a truculent Winfrey resisted, clinging to her bunk as the MPs tried to zip tie (her wrists were too bloated for handcuffs) her hands. Winfrey reportedly cried out for Obama, saying a single phone call with either him or Michelle would compel JAG to reverse its decision to execute her. “You’ll pay for this. I never did anything wrong,” she protested, and the MPs were forced to administer a mild sedative to mollify the raging beast.

They struggled to stuff her into the rear seat of their Hummer. Winfrey weighed 345 lbs. at a pre-execution physical.

The sedative’s deleterious effects had diminished by the time they reached the execution site, and Winfrey, still stuporous, emerged from the vehicle lethargic and weak, her glassy eyes glancing at Vice Admiral Darse E. Crandall and the gallows that loomed behind him. He instructed the MPs to lead Winfrey up the steps to the platform and noose, beside which stood the hangman and a U.S. Navy chaplain clutching a King James Bible. The latter asked Winfrey if she wanted him to administer the Last Rites of the Condemned.

“Barack,” Winfrey said groggily. “I want to talk to Barack.”

“Really? Now there’s a coincidence. We’d really like to talk to him, too,” Vice Adm. Crandall said.

“Let me call him. You have my phone. He’ll fix all this,” Winfrey said.

“Oh, we’ve examined your phones. Trust me, he’s not taking any calls.”

“He’ll talk to me,” Winfrey insisted.

Admiral Crandall ascended the steps and pulled out his phone. “Give me his number?”

Though still woozy, Winfrey had the presence of mind to recite from memory a number with a D.C. area code and prefix, which the admiral dialed. He held the phone to Winfrey’s ear: “The number you have dialed is not in service.”

“Service to that number was terminated the day you were arrested,” the admiral told her before descending the stairs. “Time to finish this.”

The hangman placed the loop of rope around Winfrey’s neck and a cloth sack over her head. The admiral gave the order that prompted the hangman to flip the switch that triggered the pivoting door beneath Winfrey’s paunchy legs. She dropped without uttering a squeak, and was pronounced dead three minutes later.

Upon receiving notification of Winfrey’s death, Real Raw News asked GITMO sources whether JAG, or any military entity, has authority to prosecute and sentence civilians.

“When President Trump gave us provisional control, it gave us the authority. The moment Oprah Winfrey aided the Deep State, she became indistinguishable from it. The two were inextricably linked,” our source said.

https://realrawnews.com/2024/02/jag-executes-oprah-winfrey/