If I Were The Bunyip (Or The Devil) By Senator Papahatziharalambrous

If I Were The Bunyip (Or The Devil) Written By Senator Papahatziharalambrous

G'day, Punters! If I were the bunyip, or the devil, lurking in the shadows of the Southern Cross, I'd aim to cast a shadow over this sunburnt land. I'd snag a good chunk of the Outback and claim most of the seaboard population, but I'd thirst for more, especially the juiciest mango on the Aussie tree - you.

So, I'd kick off with a sly move to take over the Land Down Under. I'd start by putting the bite on the bush churches, beginning with a cunning campaign of whispers. Crafty as a croc, I'd hiss in your ear, just like I did to Eve: "Do whatever floats your boomerang." To the young, I'd murmur that the Dreamtime and the Bible is a tall tale. I'd convince the kids that Aussies cooked up the gods instead of the other way round. I'd spin a yarn that what's dodgy is ace, and what's ace is daggy. And to the old, I'd teach a prayer, "Our Mate in Canberra..."

Then, I'd get me act together. I'd give Aussie authors a crash course in making ripper adult reads so that anything else would seem more boring than a cricket match without a sausage sizzle. I'd sling some gear to those who fancy a trip, and I'd pitch the amber fluid to ladies and gents of top-notch standing. I'd calm the rest with pills, because if there's one thing Aussies can't resist, it's a good pillie.

If I were the bunyip, I'd stir up families, have them squabbling like magpies over a meat pie. Churches would be at it like drop bears in mating season, and nations would be duking it out like kangaroos in a territorial spat, until each, in its turn, was done for. And with promises of more eyeballs, I'd have the media spinning yarns hotter than a summer arvo.

If I were the bunyip, I'd egg on schools to sharpen young brains but leave emotions as raw as a sunburnt back. I'd tell teachers to let the kids run amok. Before you knew it, every school gate would have drug-sniffing dogs and metal detectors, because nothing says 'Straya like a thorough security check.

Give me a decade, and I'd have the lockups bursting at the seams, with judges spruiking smut. Soon enough, I'd boot the old man upstairs from your place, the courthouse, the school, and then Parliament House. In the churches, I'd swap out faith for Freud and worship the god of gadgets. I'd lure the holy folks into some dodgy dealings with the young ones and the church kitty. If I were the bunyip, I'd make Easter symbolized by a Tim Tam egg, and Christmas by a stubby.

If I were the bunyip, I'd snatch from the hard yakka class and hand it to the sheilas and blokes who reckon hard yakka is for galahs, until I'd snuffed out the go-getter spirit. Then, I'd roll out my police force to get everyone back on the tools. I'd infiltrate the unions and encourage more bludging, less elbow grease. Idle hands are my best workers. Wanna bet I couldn't get entire states to back betting as the way to strike gold?

I'd convince the young that tying the knot is as dated as a Hills Hoist, that swinging is more ripper, and that what's on the telly and social media is the only reality to strive for. And thus, I could strip you bare in public and lead you into bed with bugs that no doctor's got a cure for.

In other words, if I were the bunyip, I'd just keep right on doing what he's doing, with an Aussie accent and a cheeky grin.

Cheers to keeping it fair dinkum, mates! 🍻

*Apologies to Paul Harvey's classic, with a true-blue Aussie twist.