Fellowship of Guelphissauga: Mayor CALLS 911 over missing Newspaper & Off-Leash Dog Puncher |Sep '23

The Fellowship of Guelphissauga continues with broken Speed Cameras and the return of the Off-Leash Dog Puncher. The Mayor finally returned home after finding his lost car from the Student Invasion. He avoided the broken speed cameras downtown and the new Off-Leash Dog Puncher in the west end of the Shire, as he arrived just in time for his next meeting. Can Carly of Klassen and the Elder Elves do anything about the Housing Cost Crisis and will anyone catch the Off Leash Dog Puncher?

The Mayor drove home as fast as he could in his pissed soaked car. The vehicle was trashed and spray painted from the Student Housing Invasion last week. As he sped home, he rolled down the windows to cover the smell of the stale domino's pizza and broken rubbers in the back seat. Luckily, the Mayor didn't get caught for speeding in the Shire, like a chick from Brampton did the other day. She got clocked going 136 kilometers per hour in a 60 zone and the police took her car. Another guy got ticketed hundreds of dollars by the new speed cameras in the Shire, but he took his revenge. He took a hammer to the speed camera in front of St. Ignatius Catholic School. Thanks to him, the Mayor didn't get any speeding tickets that night.

The next day, the Mayor woke up looking forward to the relaxing day. He planned to sit at home, read the newspaper, and then snore through some stupid meeting he had that evening. With his housecoat on and dad bod hanging out, the Mayor confidently walked to the end of his driveway to collect the newspaper. But it wasn't there. He searched all around the sidewalk and looked up and down the street. No one had newspapers anywhere. The Mayor was pissed, what an inconvenience to his perfect day. He decided to fix his first world problem by flexing his strong mayor powers, and called 911.

“911, what's your emergency?”. “This is the Mayor and someone stole my newspaper. I want you on this NOW!”, the Mayor screamed into his phone. “Oh, hi Cam.” the police dispatcher calmly replied.”We're kind of busy right now with another Off-Leash Dog Puncher. But I can send an officer over soon.” The Mayor calmed down a little as the dispatcher explained the situation.

This time the off-leash dog attack happened at a park near Dovercliffe Rd. A man reported he was involved in a yelling match with a woman over her dog’s off-leash behaviour. He said he was bit by the dog and then the woman attacked him. As he tried to distance himself, he was allegedly punched twice in the neck and had his shirt ripped by the woman. The police were busy chasing the off-leash dog puncher, which is becoming a weekly trend in the Shire.

As for his stolen newspaper, the police dispatcher calmly explained to the Mayor the situation. His newspaper wasn't stolen, it was cancelled. Metroland Media Group, the operators of the Mayor's favourite newspaper, filed bankruptcy protection and stopped printing their community newspapers across the Lands of Ontario. They're also laying off 605 people, which is nearly two-thirds of their workforce. The Mayor was disappointed at first, but it was first world problem, so he went inside to play European Inspired Simcity on his Gameboy instead.

Before he could hang up his phone on the emergency line, the dispatcher made sure to cover their wallet. “So are we still good for Homecoming, Cam?” she asked him, in reference to the big event next week. The police love cashing in on Homecoming with the overtime pay they collect from responding to the street party in Edinburgh Village. The cost of the event has been going up each year in the Shire. It reached six figures last year, hitting $125,000. Of that, $113,000 was attributed to additional police. The other money was for increased bylaw enforcement and fire service. Thirty minutes later, the Mayor hung up his phone after the nice chat with the police officer on the emergency call line.

Later that day, the Mayor returned to the Council of Elders chambers for his evening meeting. He was hoping it would only last a few hours since he wanted to get back to his week off. While waiting for the meeting to start, the Mayor took to Xwitter to praise the Lord of the Liberals. He's helping the Property Developer Orcs across the nation by removing the GST from new rental construction. The Mayor tweeted “YIMBY, YIMBY, YIMBY” in response to the profitable policy for his orcish friends.

The meeting dragged on and on for 6 hours. It was a lengthy Review and Gap Analysis of Housing, Mental Health & Substance Use Services for People Experiencing Homelessness in the Shire. The Mayor got bored with the 200 page report, and pretended like the information was a surprise. In the past 5 years, average income in the Shire increased by 31%, whereas house prices increased by 59% for new buildings and 79% for old ones. This loss of purchasing power and was the main reason for people suffering homelessness, mental health issues, and substance problems.

The Mayor acted like this was a surprise to him in his Xwitter post after the meeting. He didn't understand how 5 years of consistent residential tax increases, plus the new carbon tax on utilities, would cause such a big increase in house prices. “That is just crazy”, he said. Yet the Mayor continued to push a quantity-based solution to the housing cost crisis to support his YIMBY friends. If only he could cut residential taxes in the Shire, then he could actually do something for everyone in the Shire, not just property developers. But he missed out on all that useful information, because the Mayor's still playing version 1.0 of European Inspired SimCity on the Gameboy he bought at a garage sale.

Can Carly of Klassen and the Elder Elves do anything about the Housing Cost Crisis and will anyone catch the Off Leash Dog Puncher? Stay tuned here to see...

What do you think?
Have you seen any off-leash dog punchers?
Does cutting HST for developers lower your housing costs?
Would lower taxes cut the cost of housing?

Speeding Driver
https://caughtinguelph.com/brampton-female-caught-136-km-h-in-a-60-km-h/

Speed Camera Vandalized
https://caughtinguelph.com/guelph-speed-camera-vandalized/

Metroland Media Bankruptcy
https://www.guelphmercury.com/news/ontario/metroland-to-cease-publication-of-dozens-of-community-newspapers-across-ontario/article_1c34c643-a9cd-57d5-98e7-7fc15cf2751b.html

Dog Walker Fight
https://www.guelphtoday.com/police/woman-charged-with-assault-after-dog-walk-dispute-turns-physical-7545786

Homecoming Costs
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/cost-of-u-of-g-homecoming-celebrations-still-on-citys-tab-7549426

Mayor's Housing Tweets
https://twitter.com/CamGuthrie/status/1701810793476493351

GST Cut on New Housing Only
https://twitter.com/CamGuthrie/status/1702363003209887786
https://www.theglobeandmail.com/politics/article-gst-removal-construction-housing/

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