Fellowship of Guelphissauga: Mayor Searches for LOST Car after Student Housing INVASION | Sept 2023

The Fellowship of Guelphissauga continues with the Mayor searching for his car after the Student Invasion. The wall of zombie phone-watchers slowly disappeared this week, as the new students settled into their expensive housing or living in their cars. The Mayor took the opportunity to search for his abandoned car in the north end of the Shire before his comfortable week of watching zoom meetings. Can Carly of Klassen and Elder Elves do anything about the Shire's Housing Cost Crisis and will the Mayor find his car?

On Wednesday morning, the Mayor woke up to the aftermath of this year's Student Housing Invasion. His car was still missing in the north end of the Shire, and his wife was nagging him about it for an entire day. Her and the kids were taking Ubers to get around town, but the Mayor's wife didn't like them being driven around by some dog. The Mayor planned to solve the problem the next morning by getting up early to take the bus across town to get the car. He could add in a drink with his Fat Cat friends at the University for lunch, and then drive home in time for his evening zoom meeting. If all went according to plan, the Mayor could enjoy the rest of the week in his pajamas, as he had originally planned before the Student Housing Invasion.

The Mayor walked to the nearest bus stop that morning to get to the north end of town with a handful of change. There was already a group of students waiting at the bus stop, so he stood in line behind them. The group of international student didn't recognize the Mayor, so they left him alone until the bus arrived. They all boarded the crowded bus together, and the Mayor squished into an aisle seat. He didn't know which bus he took, but the Mayor figured it didn't matter. He remembered from the last time he took the Shire's bus that they all went downtown or to the University, and those were both of the places he wanted to go anyways. He opened up his Gameboy to check on his European Inspired Simcity while he took the bus across the Shire.

But the bus trip took way longer then the Mayor expected as he got full of road rage. His SimCity save file was stuck on the loading screen with all the new immigrants the Lord of the Liberals allowed into the Shire. The Mayor muttered “We do need a revolution when it comes to parking,” at his Gameboy's loading screen. He looked up and noticed the traffic jams happening at every intersection around him. From all the extra drivers in the Shire, the Mayor's bus was slowing down until it stopped and idled. While sitting in traffic, the Mayor got riled up from road rage. If only there was a way to have less cars, the Mayor thought.

As he slowly approached his first destination, the Mayor skimmed through his emails. He noticed a bunch of emails about the same news article from his friends he met at the Big Blue Orc's daughters wedding. They were all warning the Mayor about how they didn't like the terrible news that the Corporation of the Shire was proposing a Lobbyist Registry on September 26th. The Shire's Sunshine Listers want to create a municipal lobbyist registry in order to establish “accountability and transparency” regarding efforts to influence elected officials and municipal staff. “Lobbyist registries typically include information such as the name and address of the business, name of the lobbyist, details about the matter at issue, who is to be lobbied and length of each lobbying session. They didn't like that news at all, and wanted the Mayor to use his Strong Mayor Powers to stop it.

The Mayor reflected on ways to solve these problems for his property developer friends without flexing his Strong Powers. He pondered for pricing solutions to the housing cost crisis, but he had already committed to the Big Blue Orc's quantity based solution. He promised the Big Blue Orc that he would complete the 18,000 home pledge to get extra funds from the Creatures of the Province Fund. With the Big Blue Orc's promise to “make them whole” somehow, or else the Mayor would be out millions of dollars otherwise. The Mayor didn't want to cut residential taxes to cut housing costs directly, so instead he tweeted for a policy change, instead of financial change, to deal with the pricing problem. ”I want to house people, NOT CARS. Why NO parking minimums? “ the Mayor road raged on Xwitter.

The Mayor's bus arrived at it's destination when he heard Geoff the bus driver yell “University Center, Next Stop.” He put his phone and Gameboy away as departed the bus to meet his Fat Cats friends at the University's 5th floor. They wined and dined while celebrating a $20.4 million cash bailout from the Lord of the Liberals. This bailout will keep the Fat Cats afloat with their financial target of multi-year deficits until the year 2027. They are also using the money for extra infrastructure and safety costs.

The Mayor was joined by Carl Svensson, a professor in the department of physics, who got $6.5 million over the next three years. One of his projects, looking at how matter came to be, requires special equipment to look at tiny particles. “It’s hard to imagine just how small the nucleus of an atom is, when the atom itself is so tiny,” Svensson said over lunch.

The University also spent part of the money on safety measures. A University worker was injured while unloading a pallet of soil in 2021, leading to a conviction under the Occupational Health and Safety Act this week. They were found guilty of failing to take “every precaution reasonable” to prevent the a worker’s injury, and was fined $50,000. The Fat Cats joked at the relatively small fine and didn't want to risk it again. They spent $50 extra on “safety measures” for the Mayor to take an Uber to get his car in the north end instead of taking the bus. The Mayor was re-leaved, since he had forgotten which bus he had taken earlier.

After lunch ,the Uber pulled up to campus and the Mayor got inside. “Where to, bud?” asked the driver. The Mayor pulled out his phone and showed the driver a picture on his phone, “So, uh, could you like drive me to my car? It's somewhere in the north end?”. The driver sighed, took a deep breath, then laughed. “Sure thing, bud. I know exactly where that car is!”, he said as he pulled into gear. The Mayor sat back in comfort, and then asked the Uber driver where he saw his car. “I know the smell of that car from last night.” the driver said.”I pissed on that car's drivers seat after my shift!”

Can Carly of Klassen and Elder Elves do anything about the Shire's Housing Cost Crisis and will the Mayor drive his pissed-soaked car home? Stay tuned here to see...

What do you think?
Will a drop in the number of parking spaces lower the cost of your rent?
Does cutting municipal taxes lower the cost of housing?
Will the Mayor ever take the bus again?

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Reduced Parking Minimums
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/reduced-parking-minimums-coming-to-downtown-but-how-much-7508325

Mayor's Housing Crisis Tweet
https://twitter.com/CamGuthrie/status/1699879468532137985

Municipal Lobbyist Registry
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/council-gives-early-ok-to-possibility-of-municipal-lobbyist-registry-7508342
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/given-strong-mayor-powers-city-eyes-municipal-lobbyist-registry-7455129

University Bailed Out by Feds
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/u-of-g-researchers-get-204m-to-support-research-infrastructure-7482821

Another University Lawsuit
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/u-of-g-fined-50000-for-serious-workplace-injuries-7482555

Provincial Housing Pledge
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/province-pledges-housing-funding-for-cities-is-it-enough-for-guelph-7446934

North End Guelph Sign Removed
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/city-to-remove-north-end-guelph-sign-from-roadside-7450637

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