Fellowship of Guelphissauga: Student Housing Games TRASHES the Shire, AMO Conference | Aug 2023

The Fellowship of Guelphissauga continues with the Housing Cost Crisis impeding the Student Housing Games. Hundreds of international and domestic students trashed the Shire this week to win the grand prize: an affordable housing unit at a reasonable price. But the Mayor missed out on the ribbon cutting ceremony as he split town after blocking people's comments on Xwitter. The Big Blue Orc also avoided the games since he was facing trouble with the Greenbelt Fiasco. Who will win the Student Housing Games and can Carly of Klassen and the Elder Elves do anything about the Shire's Housing Cost Crisis?

The Student Housing Games began this week with the Fat Cats in the University's Ivory Tower scratching each other on the back. Similar to last year, they over promised the available number of spots in residence so they booted the families living in the Days Inn on Stone Rd. Seven households were moved out of the hotel earlier this month as the University began leasing the hotel for student housing. “Our community has lost quite a few hotels and affordable rental units and this loss is very concerning especially with a housing crisis.” said Lori of Richer, the housing stability manager for County of Wellington Social Services.

Hundreds of hangry students lined up for the Housing Games to win the grand prize spots in the homeless student hotel. This year's battle was between the domestic and international students. The number of international students nearly matched the amount of domestic students with the University using them as their main cash cow to cover their multi-year million dollar deficits. The students gathered at the newly renovated football stadium on campus and prepared for the Student Housing Games Triathlon. Normally the Mayor would be there to cut the red ribbon to start the games, but instead a bunch of kids from Courage Martial Arts showed up to karate chop the ribbon.

The event was designed in three parts to teach students how to deal with being homeless, which the majority of participates will face this semester. Their first task was to travel across the Shire from the stadium to Guelph Lake without spending a dime. If they could beat the average time of 30 minutes, set by Xena the Winter Road Warrior Princess, then they would move onto the next round. The wealthier domestic students had no issue with this task as they simply called their parents for a ride, and they arrived within 15 minutes.

Whereas the international students also had no problem with the first part of the Triathlon. From growing up in India, they already knew how to take the bus for free. They simply jumped on the side of the next available bus and rode it across town. Sadly, the less fortunate domestic students couldn't complete the task. They had planned on riding their bikes to Guelph Lake, but all their bikes got stolen during the ribbon cutting ceremony and were getting dissembled under the Hanlon bridge.

The second task in the Student Housing Games Triathlon was to build a firepit and start a fire. This skill will be essential in winter for the students earning minimum wage and forced to live in the growing tent city in Riverside Park. The international students and remaining domestic students quickly ran into the parks to collect rocks and wood. They had no issue finding fire wood with the recent Climate Change disasters in Riverside and Exhibition Parks. This summer, two large trees were toppled over due to Climate Change and there was still piles of premium wood laying about.

But finding big stones to build firepits proved to be the more difficult task. There were no rocks left in Riverside Park since the current minimum wage earners living there had already taken them. The remaining students walked around town looking for historical buildings to salvage rocks from the foundation. The domestic students knew the Albion was the oldest building in town, so they headed there. But they couldn't pick any rocks off the building due to it's current state. The Albion is still a dumpster fire, so no one can get near it.

The international students were more successful with the second task. They wandered through the forest and ended up in the OR, where they discovered a large stone wall still standing since 1920. Between Wednesday night and Thursday morning, the four-metre-long portion of the wall was taken apart. The wall was left in ruins as the students removed all the good stones to build their firepits. The local seniors who walk their dogs off-leash each morning at the OR were disappointed to see the historical wall in ruins the next day. “The city is in ongoing discussions with the property owner, and cannot comment further at this time,” said Colleen of Gammie, a project manager at the Corporation of the Shire.

The last task in the Student Housing Games Triathlon was to repaint the Shire's fire hydrants. Only the international students remained to learn this skill to prepare for their minimum wage jobs. The University provided the grey paint to cover the hydrants with a base coat, but it was up to the students to find red paint in the Shire to complete the task. The first person to paint a hydrant red would win the Student Housing Games.

The remaining international students ran around the Shire painting the fire hydrants grey and looking for red paint to win. But they had no luck. As international students, they didn't know that all the red paint in the Shire was used up a long time ago on the Rainbow Crosswalk downtown. They searched through both Walmarts and all the paint stores in the Shire to no avail. Since no one could paint a single fire hydrant red, no one won this year's Student Housing Games. The University's Fat Cats enjoyed the show as they went to the Keg for Dinner and the Shire was left in ruins with gray fire hydrants everywhere.

Back at the Council of Elders chambers, the room was silent and empty. The Mayor missed out on all the excitement as he split town for the week. After blocking replies to his posts on Xwitter, he took off to the Association of Municipalities of Ontario conference in London, Ontario with his YIMBY friends.
He brought along his best suit, his favourite black polo shirt, and got a new hair cut for the occasion.

The Big Blue Orc kicked off the conference with his announcement of the Building Faster Fund. Pushing a quantity-based solution to a pricing problem in a market failure, the Creatures of the Province will provide up to $1.2 billion over three years for municipalities that meet or exceed the housing targets they pledged to achieve by 2031. The Mayor put on his best behaviour to get his hands on these funds as the Corporation of the Shire has already completed one third of their 18,000 homes pledge so far.

But the promise of all this money won't necessarily balance the Corporation of the Shire's books. Last year, the Big Blue Orc cut the fees gathered from developers for infrastructure costs. He promised to make the Corporation of the Shire “whole” for the loss, but at this stage, the effect is unknown. According to deputy CAO Jayne of Holmes, “It’s too soon to tell,”. “We don’t have the details yet.” The Shire’s role in solving the housing crisis is limited, as “We don’t actually build houses,” Holmes pointed out, “There’s only so much we can do. “ A recent analysis also found that the Corporation of the Shire could have a deficit of $232 million for growth-related infrastructure thanks to the Big Blue Orc. This could completely ruin any plans the Mayor has for his European Inspired SimCity.

Did anyone win the Student Housing Games and can Carly of Klassen and the Elder Elves do anything about the Shire's Housing Cost Crisis? Stay tuned here to see...

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News Sources

Day Inns Homeless Hotel
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/as-u-of-g-students-move-in-vulnerable-families-move-out-of-days-inn-7424957

OR wall taken down
https://caughtinguelph.com/historic-stone-wall-on-former-reformatory-lands-mysteriously-damaged/
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/historic-stone-wall-on-former-reformatory-lands-badly-damaged-7451735
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/city-looking-to-buy-slice-of-reformatory-land-for-stormwater-pond-7439641
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/province-urged-to-restore-damaged-field-wall-at-former-reformatory-7456152

Fire Hydrant Repaints
https://guelph.ca/seasonal/see-a-grey-fire-hydrant-its-okay-its-just-waiting-for-a-new-coat/

Province Housing Funding
https://caughtinguelph.com/province-providing-new-housing-funding-for-cities/
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/ontario-adding-more-strong-mayors-creating-12b-in-housing-incentive-fund-7434604

Auditor General's Greenbelt Report
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/video-greenbelt-scandal-boils-down-to-some-serious-green-7435373
https://www.guelphtoday.com/columns/market-squared-by-adam-a-donaldson/our-leaders-once-again-seem-lost-in-the-weeds-on-housing-7454169
https://www.cp24.com/news/rcmp-probing-ford-government-s-handling-of-the-greenbelt-1.6530703

City's Future Plans
https://www.guelphtoday.com/local-news/city-considers-growth-climate-change-in-its-future-water-plans-7436158

Mayor at AMO Conference
https://twitter.com/CamGuthrie/status/1694074715042623980