Apatros Review Ep-0025: Skyscraper [1996]

AR-0025: Some of the old-timers out there who have been around the videostores of the 1990s [like I was doing] might remember the joke about the blonde actress who was so dumb that she had signed on to do "Die Hard" in a building. Well, the joke came from real life as infamous gold digger Anna Nicole Smith had signed a two-picture deal with PM Entertainment [the kings of the 1990s direct-to-video B-action market] to make a couple of direct-to-video action flicks, one of which was...
...basically a blatant bootleg version of Die Hard, only with Anna Nicole Smith [& her massive boobs] playing the Bruce Willis part.
I can hear some of you out there having either your jaws drop to the floor so hard they require an industrial forklift to be lifted, or laughing so hard you'll be in stitches...
Here, ANS plays a pilot working for "Heliscort", a limousine service for rich dudes, only using a helicopter to escort customers to their destinations instead of the usual stretch limo. One day, she is called to carry a pair of weird blokes to a building, unaware these blokes are professional terrorists looking to collect pieces of some kind of electronic MacGuffin, but when the bad guys lock down the building, ANS & her massive beach balls provide the only means of protecting the world from those Shakespeare-quoting jackasses...

An absolute laugh riot from beginning to end, this isn't exactly so-bad-it-is-good since the badness isn't translating to genuine goodness, but it isn't exactly terrible either, just an already below-average effort made even lower by a lead actress who really could not act to save her life... although she could do her own stunts [probably because no stuntwoman has the body shape to pass off as her]. The rest of the film is a pile of steaming crap, although the action scenes provide some entertainment.

My Grade: D [Bad]

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