Identifying and Responding to Toxic People and Behaviors

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#toxicpeople #gaslighting #defensiveness
NOTE: ALL VIDEOS are for educational purposes only and are NOT a replacement for medical advice or counseling from a licensed professional.

Responding to Toxic People and Behaviors from a #TraumaInformed Perspective
Where Do #ToxicBehaviors Come From?
 Toxic behaviors communicate that you are not okay, you are unsafe and try to rob you of your power to be safe, happy and empowered.
 They are learned from our:
 Caregivers
 Media (News, movies/television, educational institutions, social media)
 Peers (Twitter, colleagues, friends)
 Toxic behaviors often can be traced back to insecure attachment / Fear of abandonment
Toxic Relationship Behaviors
 In-Consistency
 Extremes (Walking on eggshells)
 Passive-Aggressive
 Un-Responsiveness
 Always about them / Don’t care about your happiness
 Conditional Love
 Shut Out
 Neg-Attention
 They must be the center of attention
 Manipulation to get your attention (flirting with others; dramatic reactions, guilt)
 No positive attention for you
 Relationship Scorecard
 In-Validation
 Lack of empathy
 Won’t take responsibility
 Lack of Encouragement
 Jealous of your successes
 Discourage growth
 Support
 Splitting
 Clingy
More Toxic Relationship Behaviors
 Boundary Violation (Lack of Respect)

Abusive Behaviors (Power & Control)
 Coercion, threats and intimidation of repercussions (failing, cancelled/delisted, breakup, lawsuits, trolling, stalking)
 Emotional abuse to force people to do what you want, make them feel guilty/inadequate, gain a sense of power over them
 Economic abuse: Controlling access to money (allowance) or jobs through compliance, or spending all the money on themselves
 Isolation: Controlling what people are allowed to do and information they are allowed to have
 Gaslighting: Deny, blame, minimize to make you question your sanity or harm people’s trust in you

How Do I Co-Exist?
 Increase your self-awareness of your wants and needs, their behaviors that are toxic and the impact that is having on you (Safety and Empowerment)
 Recognize it is likely more about them and their insecurities (lack of a sense of safety and power) than anything you did wrong (Jealousy, passive-aggressive behavior, extremes (love/hate), blaming, controlling)
 Explore what those behaviors are communicating for that person/entity and how they may have developed as a survival response
 Empathy and validation Acceptance
Give People What They CRAVE
 We all want to feel safe, empowered and loved.
 Decide what your goals and needs are for that relationship. Are you going to ignore it; assertively address it or terminate the relationship. (Twitter, job, school, family etc.)
 Consistently
 Maintain your boundaries (I’m rubber and you’re glue) overtly or covertly and learn to trust yourself.
 Recognize your part (even if it is being a target of transference (How they feel about someone else) or projection (They assume you feel how they do))
 Respond by Validating/acknowledging their fears, thoughts and needs as real to them (respect their boundaries) and (if safe and necessary and helpful) your feelings about the situation and preferences
 Attend to them proactively to help them feel safe so they do not need to use the toxic behaviors
 Encourage appropriate behavior by rewarding it

Other Tips
 Practice good self-care
 Develop an emergency line
 Focus on the facts and what you can and cannot control
 You can choose to address the situation
 You can choose to internalize or ignore
 You can choose to end the relationship
 You can choose pity and compassion over anger
 Don’t feed the trolls (unrewarded behavior will often extinguish (Hoover)). Breathe.
 Avoid trigger topics

 support@docsnipes.com

Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.

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