Why do your Relationships Keep FAILING?!

Are you stuck in an unhappy relationship? Do you feel like you keep dating the same guy or girl over and over again? Are you always getting your heart broken? If yes, then your attachment style might be to blame. Watch this video to learn more and how to break the cycle.

QOTD 👇🏼
What's your attachment style and how has it affected your relationships?

Golden Rules for Deciphering Attachment Styles
1. Determine whether they seek intimacy or closeness. If no, avoidant. If they keep you at arms length away. Let go of preconceptions. Someone can be cocky and self assured and still crave closeness and she might be nerdy and clumsy and avoidant. Are they doing or not doing something bc they want to minimize intimacy? For example, cheating.

2. Asses how preoccupied they are with the relationship and how sensitive are they too rejection. Does he get easily hurt by things you say. Does he worry whether you love him enough to stay faithful. Is he very sensitive to details in the relationship that suggest distancing. If yes, anxious attachment style.
3. Don’t rely on one symptom look for various signs. A combo of behaviors. Look at the forest and not the trees for example not meeting their family members after a year of dating.
4. Assess his or her reaction to effective communication. Don’t be afraid to express your thoughts, needs, and feelings to your partner. People often censor themselves when dating. However, expressing your needs can be a good test to see their attachment style. If they are secure they will understand and do what’s best to accommodate your needs. If they are anxious they will welcome the greater intimacy. If they are avoidant they will feel uncomfortable with the increased intimacy and will respond by:“You’re too sensitive demanding, needy”
5. I don’t want to talk about it
6. stop analyzing everything
7. What do you want from me, I didn’t do anything wrong
8. They may consider your needs on a matter and then disregard them in the future.
9. They may say “Geez, I said I was sorry”

5. Listen and look for what they are not saying or doing. Actions speak louder than words. Trust your gut. Example:
Bob kissed his girlfriend on new years eve and said I’m so glad I’m with you and I can’t wait to spend many more new years together. She kissed him back and said nothing. They broke up 2 months later

Common behaviors in attachment styles

Avoidants
1. Sends mixed signals
2. Values their independence greatly
3. Devalues you or previous partners
4. Uses distancing strategies, emotional or physical
5. Emphasizes boundaries in the relationship
6. Unrealistic romantic view of how a relationship should be
7. Mistrustful, fears being taken advantage of by partner
8. Rigid views of relationships and uncompromising rules
9. During a disagreement needs to get away or explodes
10. Doesn’t make their intentions clear
11. Has difficulty talking about what’s going on between you

Secure
1. Reliable and consistent
2. Makes decisions with you
3. Flexible view of relationships
4. Communicates relationship issues well
5. Can reach compromise during arguments
6. Not afraid of commitment or dependency
7. Doesn’t view relationship as hard or work
8. Closeness creates further closeness
9. Introduces friends and family early on
10. Naturally expresses feeling for you
11. Doesn’t play games

Anxious behaviors
1. Wanting a lot of closeness in the relationship
2. Expresses insecurities and worries about rejection
3. Unhappy when not in a relationship
4. Plays games to keep your attention or interest
5. Has difficulty expressing what’s bothering them
6. Expects you to guess
7. Acts out
8. Has a hard time not making things about his or herself in the relationship
9. Lets you set the tone in the relationship
10. Preoccupied with the relationship
11. Fears that small acts will ruin the relationship
12. Believes that they must work hard to keep your interest
13. Suspicious that you may be unfaithful

Further reading

How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK:
The "Attached Book"
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Anxious-Avoidant-science-attachment/dp/1529032172/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=attached+amir+levine&qid=1565732990&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Anxious Attachment Style
https://sharonmartincounseling.com/anxious-attachment-style-san-jose-counseling/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/02/whats-my-attachment-style-and-why-does-it-matter/

Use of this InformationThe information included at this site is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical treatment by a health care professional. Because of unique individual needs, the reader should consult his or her personal physician to determine the appropriateness of the information for the reader's situation.