'Am I a Dud Wife?' Freedomain Call In

Dear Stef-

I’m writing to you because of recent events that have transpired in my marriage. A few months ago my husband called his longterm ex girlfriend and a few days ago, I discovered that he had her phone number saved in his phone.

We have been together 6.5 years and married for over 2 years. We both have a history of family dysfunction, as well as relationship dysfunction.

Our current marriage is my 4th and his 2nd.

My husband and I were alike in many ways (before I was introduced to you)- hyper independent and completely disrespectful of the opposite sex.

We both “self sabotaged” our relationships and both of us were extremely selfish and lacked empathy. We’ve both had emotionally immature ways of dealing with conflict. I’ve slowly learned how to handle my anger and hurt in more appropriate ways through listening to your podcasts.
He has listened to a few of your podcasts with me, but he still struggles with accepting the truth and reality of who his family is and how they affect his life. I, however, have defoo’d from my entire family, with exception of my brother (who recently passed) and my cousin. (Both of my parents are now deceased. )

About 3 months into my current relationship, my brother began sharing your videos with me. The two that he sent me were “My girlfriend is in the attic” and “The dangers of dating a super model”. Those two videos are permanently burned into my brain. They began the profound change in my life that I had been so desperately seeking. I knew that I was screwed up, but I didn’t know how to change. Your brutally honest way of explaining things was EXACTLY what I needed to finally call myself out on my BS excuses for living such a morally bankrupt lifestyle. I will NEVER be able to repay my brother, nor you, for permanently altering my life for the better.

Once you opened my eyes to what an absolute POS I was and had been for 40 years, I was overcome with grief and regret. I changed my mindset so drastically that my closest friends were left in shock.

I now believe that I should fulfill my role as a woman and no longer feel the need to “be a man” or “not need a man”. Physically, my body is paying for “being a man” for the previous 40 years. I chose to completely change my lifestyle. I gave up my 18 year career and my horse ranch and dog rescue to move in with my current husband. I gave up my comfortable 6 figure salary to become a housewife. I gave up my dream home to move into an older house that is literally falling apart. The trade was worth it because the bond and commitment that I have with husband is more than I could have ever imagined possible.

There have been so many times that I felt like I was going to burst at the seams because I so desperately wanted everyone around me to have this opportunity to live a life that isn’t full of mistrust and deception. I would share your videos and thoughts, only to be met with complete rage from other women. I gave up on offending people with the truth and decided to just accept the reality that most people aren’t searching for answers or truth.

It seems like every time my husband and I have a conflict, we reasonably work things out and are closer afterwards. This one conflict has been the exception. I’m hurt. I feel embarrassed and disrespected by him. He has given me a few BS Non apologies and admitted that he was wrong- but in the same breath has tried to blame me for him calling her. He wants this to just go away and us get back to how we have always been. He says it was just a “stupid decision” and that he has always had her number saved. I need to figure out who is the bigger dumbass- him or me? And WHY did he do this?