A dog that makes fun of itself

I don't understand why a dog can eat more expensive food than I do. Lo and behold, he ate ham in the morning, royal Sheepdog food for lunch and chocolate for tea in the afternoon. Still eat pork floss in the evening, handsome son your little life is still quite zesty! What makes me most angry is that it must come to a bowl of mouthwash before eating, and it will not eat without water. My life is not as exquisite as it is, and indeed it is a pure collie, so handsome in temperament!