Sun Aug 29, 2021 (read the description)

(original description lost, app crashed)

(m and J fighting over gum, D chimes in only to tell J he should "get used to it", and criticize about humming (better humming than talking, which D ignores anyway) (I pray conversation doesn't get to me, I would probably just say "it's all y'all's house, I'm just grateful to be allowed in it/I know I don't have a choice (in what I can/have to tolerate)" but that would be taken as that I'm NOT grateful and get me screamed at that "the road is open" and I could go "see how well I do" (die) on the streets anytime (or sarcastically told "you're family, you belong here/with us" (only if/because J is in earshot to get him jealous and screaming about how he would have been given the "road is open" speech) knowing full well they have every intention to giving me that speech next time J isn't in earshot so he'll still think I'm "the favorite")
I try to explain that gum popping bothers J and that I heard it over loud TV in kitchen, M complains that she hasn't had gum in over a month and we can't let her have it once a month, I brace for multiple weeks long screaming match between M and J over it that I'll end up stuck in the van or room for, if try to say I'm dreading it or having trouble concentrating, or end up "acting out", or get caught crying or even trying to distance myself, M will say "God put this family together because I (M) prayed/I'm the mom, you can't keep me from talking to my son, it's my place/YOU DON'T LIKE IT HERE? YOU WANT TO LEAVE?? *LEAVE!!*" and J will go off abouthow being able to try to distance myself means I have it SO good and I'm SO unaffected and just as bad as D; I know I'm morally in the wrong for dreading it/having any problem with this, but even knowing that doesn't make the feelings go away

(I make sandwiches, stomach hurts, accidentally leave bread open, insects swarming, out of lunch meat we can actually eat, not looking forward to "shopping" ordeals (rushing out with D, M thinks since I "have parents to choose from" I must like D better, J wants me to convince D to get things we actually need and use and refuses to see it doesn't always work, both think I'm "having fun", It's not and I don't even go FOR fun, keeping up with D is exhausting and a chore AT BEST, I only go to get away from their constant "spite/frustration matches" even for a little while and feel like a normal human

David Jeremiah over (need to get out of the way but still too sick to move) M asks for water and I JUST about to get it and go back to my room when J comes STORMING in ("storming" only noticed when I try NOT to) and says something about psychologists, M says she already explained about how hard it is to make appointments, uncomfortable chairs in office, John Ankerberg on about how 1/5 Americans consider selves atheist/agnostic/nothing in particular, debating if God exists, J asks M why she thinks that's funny (I look for opening and brace for J making it EXCLUSIVELY about how MEN/BOYS/"MALES" (AMAB) aren't being reached right and how it's all women's fault because they are being reached well enough #WhyMenHateGoingToChurch #TheGreatCommission) J (didn't bring plate) goes on for 10 minutes about how he has to rush to finish his sandwich and put up plate w/o D seeing so D won't go off about all the things J should be doing, etc.

(tricked/manipulated/guilted into going to back room to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks movie even though J needs back room for heating pad, miss Joel Osteen, get no dinner or exercise or driving practice) caught having moved J's charging cable to write this, J says he needs more charging cables next time at store. I say I only have one and need to go to bed soon, J says if I don't stay and watch TV D will be more upset and crack down on him so stay there and be happy" I apologize, no response (only here to soften blows for J which doesn't even work, not to be a person even if I were)

please pray for me and support my efforts/attempt to escape this toxic situation at ko-fi.com/achingforstrength and patreon.com/AchingForStrength