Thursday September 9, 2021 (read the description)

threw up and had 'elevated' blood pressure in physical therapy; M wanted me to sit with her (while arguing with J about 'being agreeable' vs 'what needs to happen'), I tell her I threw up and had high blood pressure and ask to lie down, just as I start to 'mellow out' I get startled by SCREAMING "YOU ALWAYS WANT ME TO SHUT UP!!" "EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS FALSE! YOU NEED TO PUT A LOCK ON IT! IF I WEREN'T ON YOUR SIDE I WOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW, FOOL!!" "BUT YOU STILL DO THINGS THAT GIVE ME THE IDEA"
(it's loud enough to hear through my earplugs (which I shouldn't really be wearing anyway), but I'm too shaky to get up from whatever is even wrong with my body AND being startled, and (one time I got sick of the constant screaming in the van and asked that they just not talk at all while we were riding and M said 'it's her place to talk to her son because she's the mother and I can't stop her', and that I need to stop trying to control people and called me a slave driver (I have no evidence otherwise, and things are so 'heated' that I don't expect her/them to respond any less harshly if I asked them to quiet down so I could rest (and probably drag me into the fight because I "need to hear what they're talking about so M won't have to repeat so it" even though screaming and spite make it harder for me to learn (M will say 'I'm a grown woman, why aren't I past that?' and she 'wouldn't have to scream at me if I were there to hear (her and J scream it at each other) the first time!') so my only option is to pretend to be asleep until they 'take a breath' (had no lunch even though nutritionist said I need to)
(I HATE being stuck with these people- why do I not "feel safe"? I make no sense 😔)

my birthday is next month and every year D goes to his school reunion (usually the week of my birthday, it's not better when it's a different week) and/or a funeral (which could happen ANY TIME) and M & J scream at each other (and me/I get caught in the middle and/or forced to hide even when sick) THE WHOLE TIME (it's the one time of year when I'm supposed to "feel special" but I'm not as important to D as his other families or to M or J as arguing (since we're allegedly/supposed to be 'celebrating' me, M keeps asking "aren't you so glad God put you in this family?" while I'm constantly SUPER BOMBARDED (as in, even MORE THAN EVERY DAY the rest of the year) with reasons I'm honestly NOT)
happy upcoming birthday to me 🙄😭🤷🏿‍♀️

(I do intend to make some content for/by then, so please subscribe to my brand channel [Aching for Strength (AFS)], especially if you are already subscribed to this and/or following my tumblr- I know this is NOT a good time to self-promote, but it seems like my only chance at getting out of here)
please pray for me and help me get myself out of this toxic situation at ko-fi.com/achingforstrength and patreon.com/AchingForStrength